No one would choose this…..

You will carry your grief forever within you, and so will your separated child. However, your child will not be able to openly grieve….because the people who are raising your child will not see the loss of your child. The focus is on how it affects them, and your child will be forced to grieve internally, which causes health issues as will you, we harbor traumatic grief within our minds, bodies and souls. Read this:

Adoptive parent and clinical psychologist Nancy Newton Verrier described this trauma in her 1993 book The Primal Wound: “…for the child abandonment is a kind of death, not only of the mother, but of part of the Self, that core-being or essence of oneself which makes one feel whole.”
In her 1979 book Lost and Found: The Adoption Experience, adoptee, psychologist, and activist Betty Jean Lifton describes it this way: “It is difficult to be a survivor of any kind, but most difficult when you are kept in general ignorance of what it is you have survived. For, since most adoptive parents are unable to see the child’s loss of the birth parents as a psychic trauma, but rather as a felicitous event that has enriched their own lives, it is hard for the Adoptee to deal with his survivor role.”

http://gazillionvoices.com/the-many-faces-of-grief/#.UqMOCqq9Kc0

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An answer to a prayer…….

H2 and I have been able to purchase a brand new home.

We have also been able to conceive, after I miscarried 2 days after receiving the call from the agency passing along the latest that D and H would be closing the adoption.

I’ll be completely honest……I have not prayed since I separated from W, other than over meals with the family.  I mean, I still really can’t wrap my head around how ‘God’ would let so many suffer through something like this, especially my daughter, an innocent in this entire mess of a situation.

A couple of weeks after the full realization of the permanent, life changing mistake of separating from W set in, I knew I had to do something, no, not something, EVERYTHING I possibly could, to be sure that no other expectant mother would fall prey to their own hopelessness, fears, and lack of confidence that mothers in a crisis pregnancy so often do.  Who then may end up with being sold the bag of goods by the billion dollar adoption industry, which includes the subtle coercion tactics that they have so skillfully perfected, the withheld information, the false impression of open adoption, the unspoken truths of their child’s original birth certificate being sealed, or that their child will suffer the deepest emotional scar possible and anxiety that cannot be expressed except for crying until they have nothing left when they are separated from them, the only voice, smell and taste that the child has known since conception. That reunion does not ever replace the lost time, but brings a whole new set of challenges.  That adoption permeates every single crevice of your life, for the rest of your life.  The triggers, the PTSD and the affects it will have on your family for generations to come.

I have been able to help so many women across the country. Some, by just providing a few links for them to research all the potential outcomes of an adoption, others by sending a few links to help them find the financial support in their areas to keeping their child.  Others, I’ve encouraged to put down their pride, and ask for help from their family and friends to build a support network.  And a few others still, by helping them revoke consent while in their state’s ‘fair’ grace period to keep their family in tact.

But this post isn’t about anything I prayed about or for, but something that someone else did.

We are at the stage that we are ready to be able to find out the gender of our new little bundle. 

The local crisis pregnancy center that I reached out to in my area when I realized I needed an avenue to reach women in crisis, sent an email solicitation that they were training their staff to obtain certifications to do ultrasounds, and they were offering free ones to I or anyone I knew who was pregnant.

I got to the appointment tonight, expecting to have my ultrasound completed, however, the person that scheduled the appointment had a mix up and forgot to transfer the appointment to the new book, and no one was there to actually do the appointment.

They went to get the Executive Director, and when I told her my name (yes, my real name KJW, KNL and all of the rest of the stalkers out there), she said, your name is so familiar.  I told her that I had been in contact with them a couple years ago, and just haven’t needed to reach out for their services, as the women I’ve been helping have not been in the area.  She was anxious to show me around, and I have to admit the words ‘Christian’ and ‘God’ were used in her descriptions of the center, however, she completely surprised me when she spoke about adoption as an option. 

She gave me a lot of information regarding how CPCs are a member of one major group or another.  They are a member of one that put on a conference earlier this year in Ohio.  At the conference, she said they introduced the perspective, that adoption is not really an ‘option’ to be offered when the mother is still pregnant.

HALLELUJAH!!!!

This woman then said she brought this up at a staff meeting when she returned.

One woman did not agree and was adamant that adoption IS an option.

I confirmed her approach, and what she had heard at the conference, and said, “No woman should make that decision until after they have had time to recover from giving birth, have met their child or until their hormones have had time to settle down.  Think about it, even insurance companies consider a woman ‘disabled’, and provide disability to women on maternity leave.” 

I could see her eyes light up.  She now had the words to be able to tactfully provide real facts on why not to discuss adoption as an option.

Then she said the words, “I can’t believe you are here today.  You are a prayer answered.  I have been praying about this very situation, asking for a sign, something, because I just don’t feel it is right to offer it to women so early.”

I then went on to explain how the adoption laws work in this state.  No revocation period.  No legal way to ‘enforce’ an open adoption.  That no agency actually tells women in crisis to go and speak to an adoptee, to go and speak to a mother who has given up a child, and if they do find a mother that will work with them, she has conditioned herself that she gave a ‘gift’ to a poor childless couple, who has been waiting for years, who has had X number of failed adoptions.  Then I made the comment, ‘God doesn’t make mistakes, and children are not gifts, they are human beings who God has given to a specific person.’  I went on to add about paying ‘expenses’, how that is ‘buying a baby’, and all of those things is all coercion.  I explained the ocytocin, the trust hormone.  How matching expectant mothers with people desperate for a child, will be trusted by the pregnant mother, when in all reality, they are buying a baby at all cost, is playing on that mother’s vulnerability, her compassion and her hormonal state.

She said, I wish I could have you speak to the woman I mentioned earlier.  I then told her, I’ll come back any time.

She then asked my connection.  I briefly touched on how I was in a crisis pregnancy with my second child, not that I had lost my son to adoption.

She then went on and mentioned that the agency I was deceived by had contacted her wanting to bring in lunch, wanting to ‘connect’.  She also told me about a prominent adoption attorney in my area also had a ‘PR’ person from her ‘non-profit’ agency contact them and also want to ‘work together’.

I told her, if you connect with any of them, I will be sure to cross them off my list of family preservation resources.

I told her to Google Georgia Tann, and Edna Gladney.  I urged her to do her homework and look up the adoption laws in our state, and that the one prominent attorney who contacted her was actually on the state board, and put in place the ‘no revocation period’.

Even though I didn’t get my ultrasound to find out the gender of our new little one today, I got something even better, a ray of hope.  That society is hopefully, and finally, getting it.

She actually wrote down the words ‘family preservation focused.’  Circled it and traced over it and over it while I was speaking.  It was nothing short of AH-MAZING.

I’m still not sure if I will start praying…..but today, I thought about it…..

Then tonight, I received a text from D, that was obviously sent to me in error, asking me if I knew what some woman’s baby’s name was gonna be.  I didn’t respond, since she clearly doesn’t want anything to do with me.  The ‘gift’ that keeps on giving the triggers, the trauma and the flashbacks…..adoption.

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Divided life and other stuff…

wsbirthmom:

Listen to the adoptees….

Originally posted on The adopted ones blog:

By TAO

Kellie at All In The Family Adoption has a post up about the pending decision about Baby Veronica that highlights a comment that someone is listening to the adult adoptee voice.  I read the link she provided and then after that I did a quick google search and came to this post written by someone affiliated with the NCFA that spun my mind in a couple different directions, and although there are other areas of her post that I would comment on - the sentence that stuck out to me was:

It would not be an easy decision for a child who has now lived a divided life.”

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The “birthmother” is not moving on…

wsbirthmom:

My thoughts are in the comments…

Originally posted on The adopted ones blog:

By TAO

I am acknowledging I have no direct experience in what I am saying below. My experience is different, but I do believe there are parallels between the two experiences.

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unrequited motherhood

wsbirthmom:

Perfectly stated. Pure truth.

Originally posted on helloooo, i'm bleeding, here!:

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I’d like to write some happy news about adoption…

But if I did that, not only would I be remiss in my responsibility to do whatever I can to ensure that the tragedy that has befallen me not befall someone else in the future, but I would also be adding another layer to the already polluted mountain of deceit in the broader base of information that’s out there regarding adoption and how “wonderful” it is.  Therefore, what I will do is the only thing I can do, which is work through this unrequited motherhood right here for all to see, in front of God and everybody, and let whosoever will see what the real deal is about adoption.

Please, if you have a child on the way and are unprepared for it, and you are considering relinquishing that child to prospective adopters, please, if you know anything at all about…

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Broken Promises or Lies?

Broken Promises or Lies?

Were they promises?
Or were they lies?
We love you, but
Only when there are sunshiny skies.
 
“The best for him…”
Was what was said
Denying him my milk
Would break our bond in their heads
 
You are family,
He binds us together
Now, and forever and ever.
But only when we are far from you
Will this family ever make it.
 
A big sister so excited
Then lost her sibling in an instant
When she heard the news
That someone else, was invited.
 
She wondered if she would be given away as well
Not today child, no way in hell.
 
Take our gifts, that show our love
Just let us take him
Far from your grips
We don’t want a bond to form
Not one little bit.
 
Then a countdown with a grieving 8 year old begins
Months and weeks
Then only days are left
Then they crushed his sister’s heart yet again
With one little text.
 
We are sorry
We can’t make it
And we didn’t know
Not even a week ago
We couldn’t call
Because we know this is a really low blow
 
The 1st birthday came
To celebrate his life
No you can’t attend
You’re not going to be in his life
 
You gave him life
But that is it
He has your blood
But we are so desperate
 
Their love is a game
Played only on their terms
No matter the pain
All that matters is their words.
 
The truth is too real
The only way we have him
Is by some terrible mistake
This is not getting better
 
The broken trust is a token
Nothing else is there to lose
Our silence is broken
Their desperation makes them choose
 
When our grief is too strong
And the time and space
Just don’t break the bond
That God put into place
Comes that last broken promise
Really ‘in your face’
 
They use the service they paid
To deliver the final blow
You won’t be seeing your child
Not as long as we’ll say so.
 
Were they promises
Or were they lies
It doesn’t matter now
They’ve left our hearts to die.
 
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This will never be over…..

This truly, will never be over.

I found a comment today that just drove home the feelings that are always just below the surface of every waking moment. It said,

‘Everything broke that day, the sky and the earth and all the hearts in the world, nothing can ever mend it. It’s never over and it’s never done with. It is never over……

How come none of these types of things were never brought up when I was interacting with the adoption agency or the one visit I had with the counselor I was referred to by the adoption agency???? Oh that’s right, it wasn’t the priority. What WAS the priority was the ‘exchange’ (MONEY and baby).

Here is what the agency never wanted me to hear……..
REJECTION IS PROBABLE
YOUR SON WILL HAVE A WOUNDED SOUL
YOUR SON MAY NOT ACCEPT YOUR TRUTH
REUNION BRINGS GRIEF

HERE…..IS what I needed to hear:

http://familypreservation.blogspot.ca/2013/03/reunification-of-adoption-separated.html

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