Collateral Damage: On Adoption, Beheadings, and Invisible Siblings


Left in the dust……

Originally posted on Letters to Ms. Feverfew:

Did you know Abdul-Rahman Peter Kassig, one of the recent beheading victims of the Islamic State, was an adoptee?

When I first heard it on the news (and once I started breathing again) my first question was: Does his mother know?  Forgive me, it’s a knee-jerk reaction I have whenever I hear of an adoptee’s passing. And by mother, I do not mean adoptive mother. I mean the woman in whose womb Peter was knitted together. Because surely, his adoptive mother knows, since she’s all over the news (and seems like a perfectly lovely woman, by the way.) But his first mother – the woman who bled for him as she labored him into this world – did she know he was gone?

Through some quick Internet research, I learned that Abdul-Rahman Peter Kassig had indeed found his first mother soon after his 18th birthday and had become close…

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Does This Part Get Easier?

Originally posted on Letters to Ms. Feverfew:

Someone stop me. Now.

I am doing it again.

I am buying way too many gifts for Poppy, just like I have done every year at Christmas time since she was born.  Last Christmas was the first time I was truly cognizant of it, but really did not quite grasp why I was doing it. I just know I *totally* blew the budget.

This year I have figured out why I do this and it is alum to my soul.

It is over-compensation, plain and simple, driven by the subconscious need  to make up for all the Christmases I did not have with Ms. Feverfew.

I wish someone had told me 22 years ago that not only would I lose my oldest daughter to adoption, but I would lose the ability to fully enjoy another holiday season to adoption, too, that it would steal precious moments with my other children…

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Why Are We Helping Unethical Adoptions?


Well…..this is all because all women who lose children to adoption ‘deservere’ to – of course……

Originally posted on In The Matter of Camden C. Stearns:

Where do we draw the line? I’ve stated before, adoption agencies and the world of adoption generally prey on birth parents under duress. No middle class, white picket fence having, happily married woman just up and decides to put a baby up for adoption when things in her life are perfect. It just isn’t the norm.  And in order to get infants for adoptive couples, adoption agencies then have to skillfully find their supply, pluck these babies out of the arms of less advantaged mothers. They need a healthy supply of womb-wet infants because adoptive couples generally don’t want to be bothered with other people’s troubles or older children slightly damaged and in foster care. They can’t be bothered with the scratch and dent, societal trash that they see older children in the system as. But the bigger question is WHY DO WE HELP THEM? 

Why do we say things like…

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Family Preservation is Not Anti-Adoption

Family Preservation is Not Anti-Adoption.

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Missing you…..still

It’s been a while now.

A while since we were first separated.

A while since the last time we saw you.

A while since we were cutoff the first time.

A while since we lost your sibling.

A while since I was judged and told that why I lost you wasn’t real.  

A while since we were told that we couldn’t send anything to you anymore.  (Well, we were told that anything we sent had to be sent to the agency.  Since the agency doesn’t forward anything but letters – and if it’s anything like the first time something was sent thru them, it wouldn’t arrive in a reasonable timeframe anyway – so basically, we aren’t able to send anything to you.)

A while since we heard your voice.  

Its been a while since your sister has cried.  I think she just pushes it out if her mind.  Because if she doesn’t she will be down trying to pull herself out of it for a few days, like me.

A while since we’ve seen any pics of you.  

Because we aren’t able to send you anything or hear your little toddler voice or you ours, I’ll write to you here.  Where it will be waiting for you when you decide that you want to read it.  Who knows, maybe you won’t even care, but I hope one day you will, and you’ll read all of these posts of mine.

I just wanted to let you know, as I lay here with my insomnia thinking of you and trying to forget the frustration and regret of ever letting you leave your father and I’s side. 

Im still thinking of you every day.

I’m still missing you. 

I’m still loving you.

I’m still waiting for the day when I get to hold you in my arms and tell you I love you.  Just like our last morning in that hospital room when I held you in my arms and cried for a magic wand to be waved and for me to wake up from the nightmare I was in.  

I’m still loving you, I’m still missing you, I’m still here W.  



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No one would choose this…..

You will carry your grief forever within you, and so will your separated child. However, your child will not be able to openly grieve….because the people who are raising your child will not see the loss of your child. The focus is on how it affects them, and your child will be forced to grieve internally, which causes health issues as will you, we harbor traumatic grief within our minds, bodies and souls. Read this:

Adoptive parent and clinical psychologist Nancy Newton Verrier described this trauma in her 1993 book The Primal Wound: “…for the child abandonment is a kind of death, not only of the mother, but of part of the Self, that core-being or essence of oneself which makes one feel whole.”
In her 1979 book Lost and Found: The Adoption Experience, adoptee, psychologist, and activist Betty Jean Lifton describes it this way: “It is difficult to be a survivor of any kind, but most difficult when you are kept in general ignorance of what it is you have survived. For, since most adoptive parents are unable to see the child’s loss of the birth parents as a psychic trauma, but rather as a felicitous event that has enriched their own lives, it is hard for the Adoptee to deal with his survivor role.”

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An answer to a prayer…….

H2 and I have been able to purchase a brand new home.

We have also been able to conceive, after I miscarried 2 days after receiving the call from the agency passing along the latest that D and H would be closing the adoption.

I’ll be completely honest……I have not prayed since I separated from W, other than over meals with the family.  I mean, I still really can’t wrap my head around how ‘God’ would let so many suffer through something like this, especially my daughter, an innocent in this entire mess of a situation.

A couple of weeks after the full realization of the permanent, life changing mistake of separating from W set in, I knew I had to do something, no, not something, EVERYTHING I possibly could, to be sure that no other expectant mother would fall prey to their own hopelessness, fears, and lack of confidence that mothers in a crisis pregnancy so often do.  Who then may end up with being sold the bag of goods by the billion dollar adoption industry, which includes the subtle coercion tactics that they have so skillfully perfected, the withheld information, the false impression of open adoption, the unspoken truths of their child’s original birth certificate being sealed, or that their child will suffer the deepest emotional scar possible and anxiety that cannot be expressed except for crying until they have nothing left when they are separated from them, the only voice, smell and taste that the child has known since conception. That reunion does not ever replace the lost time, but brings a whole new set of challenges.  That adoption permeates every single crevice of your life, for the rest of your life.  The triggers, the PTSD and the affects it will have on your family for generations to come.

I have been able to help so many women across the country. Some, by just providing a few links for them to research all the potential outcomes of an adoption, others by sending a few links to help them find the financial support in their areas to keeping their child.  Others, I’ve encouraged to put down their pride, and ask for help from their family and friends to build a support network.  And a few others still, by helping them revoke consent while in their state’s ‘fair’ grace period to keep their family in tact.

But this post isn’t about anything I prayed about or for, but something that someone else did.

We are at the stage that we are ready to be able to find out the gender of our new little bundle. 

The local crisis pregnancy center that I reached out to in my area when I realized I needed an avenue to reach women in crisis, sent an email solicitation that they were training their staff to obtain certifications to do ultrasounds, and they were offering free ones to I or anyone I knew who was pregnant.

I got to the appointment tonight, expecting to have my ultrasound completed, however, the person that scheduled the appointment had a mix up and forgot to transfer the appointment to the new book, and no one was there to actually do the appointment.

They went to get the Executive Director, and when I told her my name (yes, my real name KJW, KNL and all of the rest of the stalkers out there), she said, your name is so familiar.  I told her that I had been in contact with them a couple years ago, and just haven’t needed to reach out for their services, as the women I’ve been helping have not been in the area.  She was anxious to show me around, and I have to admit the words ‘Christian’ and ‘God’ were used in her descriptions of the center, however, she completely surprised me when she spoke about adoption as an option. 

She gave me a lot of information regarding how CPCs are a member of one major group or another.  They are a member of one that put on a conference earlier this year in Ohio.  At the conference, she said they introduced the perspective, that adoption is not really an ‘option’ to be offered when the mother is still pregnant.


This woman then said she brought this up at a staff meeting when she returned.

One woman did not agree and was adamant that adoption IS an option.

I confirmed her approach, and what she had heard at the conference, and said, “No woman should make that decision until after they have had time to recover from giving birth, have met their child or until their hormones have had time to settle down.  Think about it, even insurance companies consider a woman ‘disabled’, and provide disability to women on maternity leave.” 

I could see her eyes light up.  She now had the words to be able to tactfully provide real facts on why not to discuss adoption as an option.

Then she said the words, “I can’t believe you are here today.  You are a prayer answered.  I have been praying about this very situation, asking for a sign, something, because I just don’t feel it is right to offer it to women so early.”

I then went on to explain how the adoption laws work in this state.  No revocation period.  No legal way to ‘enforce’ an open adoption.  That no agency actually tells women in crisis to go and speak to an adoptee, to go and speak to a mother who has given up a child, and if they do find a mother that will work with them, she has conditioned herself that she gave a ‘gift’ to a poor childless couple, who has been waiting for years, who has had X number of failed adoptions.  Then I made the comment, ‘God doesn’t make mistakes, and children are not gifts, they are human beings who God has given to a specific person.’  I went on to add about paying ‘expenses’, how that is ‘buying a baby’, and all of those things is all coercion.  I explained the ocytocin, the trust hormone.  How matching expectant mothers with people desperate for a child, will be trusted by the pregnant mother, when in all reality, they are buying a baby at all cost, is playing on that mother’s vulnerability, her compassion and her hormonal state.

She said, I wish I could have you speak to the woman I mentioned earlier.  I then told her, I’ll come back any time.

She then asked my connection.  I briefly touched on how I was in a crisis pregnancy with my second child, not that I had lost my son to adoption.

She then went on and mentioned that the agency I was deceived by had contacted her wanting to bring in lunch, wanting to ‘connect’.  She also told me about a prominent adoption attorney in my area also had a ‘PR’ person from her ‘non-profit’ agency contact them and also want to ‘work together’.

I told her, if you connect with any of them, I will be sure to cross them off my list of family preservation resources.

I told her to Google Georgia Tann, and Edna Gladney.  I urged her to do her homework and look up the adoption laws in our state, and that the one prominent attorney who contacted her was actually on the state board, and put in place the ‘no revocation period’.

Even though I didn’t get my ultrasound to find out the gender of our new little one today, I got something even better, a ray of hope.  That society is hopefully, and finally, getting it.

She actually wrote down the words ‘family preservation focused.’  Circled it and traced over it and over it while I was speaking.  It was nothing short of AH-MAZING.

I’m still not sure if I will start praying…..but today, I thought about it…..

Then tonight, I received a text from D, that was obviously sent to me in error, asking me if I knew what some woman’s baby’s name was gonna be.  I didn’t respond, since she clearly doesn’t want anything to do with me.  The ‘gift’ that keeps on giving the triggers, the trauma and the flashbacks…..adoption.

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