I cried and cried the last 24 hours before 6pm came, I was not recognizable.
My hospital records document ‘duress’.
I never wanted to lose you.
I never wanted to be kept from you.
Again and again and yet again, I am so so sorry.
Left in the dust……
Originally posted on Letters to Ms. Feverfew:
Did you know Abdul-Rahman Peter Kassig, one of the recent beheading victims of the Islamic State, was an adoptee?
When I first heard it on the news (and once I started breathing again) my first question was: Does his mother know? Forgive me, it’s a knee-jerk reaction I have whenever I hear of an adoptee’s passing. And by mother, I do not mean adoptive mother. I mean the woman in whose womb Peter was knitted together. Because surely, his adoptive mother knows, since she’s all over the news (and seems like a perfectly lovely woman, by the way.) But his first mother – the woman who bled for him as she labored him into this world – did she know he was gone?
Through some quick Internet research, I learned that Abdul-Rahman Peter Kassig had indeed found his first mother soon after his 18th birthday and had become close…
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Originally posted on Letters to Ms. Feverfew:
Someone stop me. Now.
I am doing it again.
I am buying way too many gifts for Poppy, just like I have done every year at Christmas time since she was born. Last Christmas was the first time I was truly cognizant of it, but really did not quite grasp why I was doing it. I just know I *totally* blew the budget.
This year I have figured out why I do this and it is alum to my soul.
It is over-compensation, plain and simple, driven by the subconscious need to make up for all the Christmases I did not have with Ms. Feverfew.
I wish someone had told me 22 years ago that not only would I lose my oldest daughter to adoption, but I would lose the ability to fully enjoy another holiday season to adoption, too, that it would steal precious moments with my other children…
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Well…..this is all because all women who lose children to adoption ‘deservere’ to – of course……
Originally posted on In The Matter of Camden C. Stearns:
Where do we draw the line? I’ve stated before, adoption agencies and the world of adoption generally prey on birth parents under duress. No middle class, white picket fence having, happily married woman just up and decides to put a baby up for adoption when things in her life are perfect. It just isn’t the norm. And in order to get infants for adoptive couples, adoption agencies then have to skillfully find their supply, pluck these babies out of the arms of less advantaged mothers. They need a healthy supply of womb-wet infants because adoptive couples generally don’t want to be bothered with other people’s troubles or older children slightly damaged and in foster care. They can’t be bothered with the scratch and dent, societal trash that they see older children in the system as. But the bigger question is WHY DO WE HELP THEM?
Why do we say things like…
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It’s been a while now.
A while since we were first separated.
A while since the last time we saw you.
A while since we were cutoff the first time.
A while since we lost your sibling.
A while since I was judged and told that why I lost you wasn’t real.
A while since we were told that we couldn’t send anything to you anymore. (Well, we were told that anything we sent had to be sent to the agency. Since the agency doesn’t forward anything but letters – and if it’s anything like the first time something was sent thru them, it wouldn’t arrive in a reasonable timeframe anyway – so basically, we aren’t able to send anything to you.)
A while since we heard your voice.
Its been a while since your sister has cried. I think she just pushes it out if her mind. Because if she doesn’t she will be down trying to pull herself out of it for a few days, like me.
A while since we’ve seen any pics of you.
Because we aren’t able to send you anything or hear your little toddler voice or you ours, I’ll write to you here. Where it will be waiting for you when you decide that you want to read it. Who knows, maybe you won’t even care, but I hope one day you will, and you’ll read all of these posts of mine.
I just wanted to let you know, as I lay here with my insomnia thinking of you and trying to forget the frustration and regret of ever letting you leave your father and I’s side.
Im still thinking of you every day.
I’m still missing you.
I’m still loving you.
I’m still waiting for the day when I get to hold you in my arms and tell you I love you. Just like our last morning in that hospital room when I held you in my arms and cried for a magic wand to be waved and for me to wake up from the nightmare I was in.
I’m still loving you, I’m still missing you, I’m still here W.
You will carry your grief forever within you, and so will your separated child. However, your child will not be able to openly grieve….because the people who are raising your child will not see the loss of your child. The focus is on how it affects them, and your child will be forced to grieve internally, which causes health issues as will you, we harbor traumatic grief within our minds, bodies and souls. Read this:
Adoptive parent and clinical psychologist Nancy Newton Verrier described this trauma in her 1993 book The Primal Wound: “…for the child abandonment is a kind of death, not only of the mother, but of part of the Self, that core-being or essence of oneself which makes one feel whole.”
In her 1979 book Lost and Found: The Adoption Experience, adoptee, psychologist, and activist Betty Jean Lifton describes it this way: “It is difficult to be a survivor of any kind, but most difficult when you are kept in general ignorance of what it is you have survived. For, since most adoptive parents are unable to see the child’s loss of the birth parents as a psychic trauma, but rather as a felicitous event that has enriched their own lives, it is hard for the Adoptee to deal with his survivor role.”