You won’t be ‘you’ anymore……

So, the life that it took me over 20 years to build for myself and my family, has taken a severe left turn over the past year. I found the love of my life. We planned to be together and have a family. We made a conscious decision to become pregnant. Life was great for the first 5 months…even though I was so physically ill I had to be on meds that they give to cancer patients to keep the nausea away that accompanies chemo treatments. Life was still good…..and then, well then all hell broke loose. I discovered some things that were going to make things financially difficult for us as a family, and that pushed me over the edge. I truly believe that I became severely hormonally unbalanced. I’ve even come up with a term for it. ‘Hormonal psychosis’. I bullied my son’s father into relinquishing, I relinquished my son, I became emerged in ‘cyberadoptionland’ logging in a every spare moment I have, and even more than that at times. I’ve dug into the adoption industry, and found out how truly uncaring people can be. From adoption ‘professionals’ who omit the facts, to adoptive parents who crush the very people who have made their dreams come true to be parents. I’ve learned that my son will never have his original birth certificate. I have found wonderful women who have helped give women a chance to parent first, and place later. I’ve been in my first car wreck, totaling my car, no fault of my own. Life has….well, changed.

You see, while I was making this ‘decision’ (I refuse to call it a choice) to place my son, I ‘presented well’ to everyone around me. Meaning I was a ‘rational’, calm, cool and collected professional analyst.. Well, to everyone who didn’t ‘know’ me that is. The agency ‘professionals’, the 2 people at the office I worked at who I let in on my ‘plan’ and the ‘therapist’ that I had 1 visit with before I placed. All thought I was extremely confident in my decision. All thought I was ‘at peace’ with it. None of my friends who were geographically close knew about the plan at all. I had isolated myself. Feeling overwhelmed, trapped and frustrated that I couldn’t get help with any financial stuff in order to keep my baby, and not able to qualify for Medicaid (which I would have, which the agency SW failed to tell me that – until after I had signed).

But the people who ‘knew’ me…..H2 (W’s father), K (my daughter), my sister and my very best friend of 25+ years knew that something was ‘off’. Something wasn’t right. I had driven H2 away, I had lashed out at him….not by being verbally or physically abusive, but whenever I would see him, I would lose my mind and become a hysterically, out of control crazy pregnant woman. So, badly in fact, for two months that he was afraid to come around because of how upset I would get, and he was worried for me and the baby. (Not that I’m making an excuse for him not coming around by any means mind you.) My patience with K was, well, to say it honestly, there was none. From the second the poor girl got picked up from after school until the second she was in the bed – I was an over the top, out of my mind, pregnant and (I’m ashamed to say) a MEAN drill sergeant. She has ADHD and her med would be worn off by the time I got home from work. Then, once she was in bed, I would lie on the sofa and cry myself to sleep….every single night. That is, when I could sleep because my body and brain would just finally have to shut down from being pushed too hard running on only 3-4 hours of sleep per night. Then I developed gestational diabetes, that led to more appointments (time off work = no pay = more stress), and then, changing my diet.

I went OFF on my sister, who I am actually very, very close to, who knows that I love being a mom, and live for K and that I wanted W. When she heard of my ‘plan’, she was so upset and begged me not to go through with it, but there was no getting through to me. I was psychotic about this. She said one night she hung up the phone, and said to her husband….’That is not my sister…..I don’t know who that is….’

Then my girlfriend called me one morning on my hour drive in to the office….and she asked me…’Are you sure you’re going to be able to do this?’ See, she had lost her 18 yr. old son in an auto accident just 2 years earlier, and was still reeling from the grief. She didn’t think that I should do this either. I responded to her question, ‘You know….I’m trying to disengage from him, I don’t what to get attached, I can do this.’ She has since told me that she could not believe that someone was going to ‘choose’ the grief of losing a child. But, again…..I didn’t listen. She hung up the phone saying the same thing to her husband that my sister did. But, being 1500+ miles away with their own families….what were they really going to do to help me? They weren’t here to help me with daycare, they weren’t here to be able to give me a break from the kids when I needed one. I rely very heavily on my neighbors for my breaks since I’ve moved here and couldn’t even fathom ‘asking more’ of them – they do so much already.

No one was close enough to help me. No one was close enough to sit on the sofa with me and TALK to me – really TALK to me. They all knew that I wanted to keep W. I mean I did buy all the items I would need for him. I had begun building a nest egg to help with the bills while I was off work on maternity. I had taken some steps while I was desperately trying to figure out a way to keep him. But no one could sit next to me, hold my hand and tell me that it would be OK. We would all be together as a family, and it would all be OK. H2 tried to tell me that, but I just couldn’t pull myself up out of the ‘psychotic episode’ I was having, to really HEAR what he was saying to me. He was saying, he would be here and that he always would be. He would help me however he could. I just wasn’t having it, I was out of my mind dead set on this. (By the way….he is…..still here.)

I’m not sure if I would have listened to them. I don’t know. But what I do know, is that no one suggested I speak with anyone who had placed. No one did, not a professional in the industry because that would have helped me see, and parent – and the deal would not have happened. No one close to me – because they didn’t know. I didn’t know.

Someone mentioned to me at one time….’I didn’t know, isn’t an excuse…’

OUCH was my initial reaction. She didn’t know me, my unique situation, or, most importantly my state of mind, or if I had really made attempts to keep my son with me/us. Which, I’ve now come to firmly believe that my state of mind (as of 6 months after placing after all the hormones have been forced completely from my system as my son is not with me to nurture them), was seriously compromised.

So yesterday a friend of mine texted me in the morning that she was in town and wanted to see us. US – meaning myself, K AND ‘the baby!’ At first, I was like – great! But as I started to realize what I was going to have to deal with……the panic, anxiety and stress of it set in. I thought about it, and felt that she is a friend that I could talk to about this, and well I really had no choice now. Then she texts me, she is 30 minutes out, and her brother and his wife are along. GREAT! (More stress, panic and anxiety building up.) I know I’m gonna lose it when she is here…and now….there are more people that I have never met. People who I don’t know, people who do not know me – they only know of ‘the old me’. So, I text her and say…..’Look, baby isn’t here with us. He is with a family in XX state, loooong story and it’s a tough one. I’m sure K will tell you all about it. I’ve really been keeping to myself for the last year.’ She replies..’Awwwwww, I told my daughter she was going to meet the baby….. but no big deal….I know my brother & his wife are along and that is why I didn’t want them along…but they are along.’

So, they arrive, the girls are so happy to see each other – it’s been over 2 years. And we sit down & start talking. Her sister in law went outside, brother left the room, and just as he was coming back in, I had begun to lose it. I apologized to him, and he was SO visibly uncomfortable, he got up and mumbled something to excuse himself and left the room. And I continued to lose it. She was kind and gracious, as I knew she would be, she gave me a hug, and said she totally understood. Then I told her my new mission of informing expectant moms thinking of placing. Of all of the good, bad and ugly.

About how no one told me ‘You won’t be ‘you’ anymore.’

I just want to crawl in a cave, and hide. I can do that behind my keyboard, continuing to inform those who God brings to me. But I am no longer who I was, I do not want people in my home, I’m not ready for that. I don’t want people in my business. I wanted to be somewhat ‘anonymous’ before, but now, I have no problem never leaving my home on a weekend. Heck, never leaving the sofa most weekends. Before, I was someone who was the most open individual – an open book as they say. But now…now I’m totally different than who I was…….closed, reserved, and always watching my step, watching my comments, guarding what is left of my broken heart. Sooooooo not who I was.

And that’s right, no one told me I wouldn’t be ‘ME’ anymore…..

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About Wsbirthmom

I was a single mom to my elementary aged daughter and in 2011 I became a mother of unnecessary infant adoption loss. No matter how trapped, hopeless, frustrated and overwhelmed I felt before placing my son, all those feelings combined are no comparison to the grief and the loss of him we have felt post-placement. And no one, and nothing could have prepared me for it. I have been forever changed. The old me is gone, dead really, and so is the old life - something no one ever mentioned would happen. This will affect many generations to come, this and so many more adoption truths were never mentioned to me. So many things that could have been disclosed to me that would have allowed me to make a 'fully informed' decision, were kept from me by the agency - Gladney. The things I've learned about the billion dollar adoption industry since losing my son, have opened my eyes to the ever so clever persuasive coercive tactics used by many adoption agencies and attorneys, which I have experienced first hand and didn't even know it was happening, until it was too late. If you need a password for a protected post, please email me at wsbirthmom at g mail dot com. I've been personally cyber stalked and attacked by women who have adopted who I have never met, in an attempt to ruin my children's chance of knowing each other, and they've succeeded along with many other factors. Let's just say, it's been quite a 'ride' - but the ride has taken a hard left turn. I will keep telling my and other natural mothers & sharing adult adoptee's truths of their adoption experiences until the laws are changed and made 'fair' to natural families or until the day I take my last breath here on this earth. I started reaching out to pregnant mothers in crisis who were looking for adoption information. I began helping mothers see that their situations are so temporary and adoption, is a permanent solution - and usually always unnecessary. I've started a grass roots organization called Saving Our Sisters. It is comprised of adopted persons, mothers of adoption loss and even adoptive parents who believe that family preservation should always be the first focus, and that separation by adoption should always be a last last resort. We are PRO #familypreservation, PRO mother and child. If you would like to find us on Facebook, here is the address: https://www.facebook.com/adoptionSOS/
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8 Responses to You won’t be ‘you’ anymore……

  1. gooddaytotry says:

    hon God Bless you always. Please know that moms that lost their babies to the industry, but keep in tact with the father, fair better than those that have been left. I pray, pat yourself on the back for all the women you let know the trauma of the loss. The trouble is the ones that need to be aware of the dangers, are those thinking that if they are taking someone else’s child they are not causing injury. This is so far from the truth. This idea that there are unwanted children and that such selfishness is not rife with toxins for the child being raised by someone with such narrow vision.
    In other times people actually believed jews were dirty people, deserving of oppression. Changing the industry beliefs is dangerous and you are an angel for making people aware. Some natural moms do not survive the trauma and the life long insults by deserving of oppressionist because they
    cannot face the inhuman treatment enforced on the victims. I am so sorry that this happened to you. I know you need an enlarged heart and mega doses of courage to face these days. I pray that that is just what are surrounded with. I have seen some books that have some recovery. I will look them upfor you. hang in there.

  2. Charlotte says:

    hugs

  3. All I can say is…(((hugs))) and i so get it… like I have said in some groups, we are now members of a club we didn’t ask to join. This kind of Grief will never go away. but the “good news” is that eventually you will get so used to this kind of pain, that you will learn how to wrap it around you as if it were a second skin, and it just becomes a part of who you are as a human being. And there is nothing that you can do about it, it just is what it is, and that to me makes it even more sad…

  4. Laurel says:

    My heart breaks for you…reading this. It also angers me. You don’t anger me…but the fact that those that SHOULD have helped you (read: professionals), did not. In fact, they basically omitted the truth. That infuriates me.

    I believe that your mental, emotional and physical state at that time was severely altered – which, in your situation, would be completely ‘normal’. SO much was going on in your life. You probably were, quite literally, emotionally unstable.

    I don’t even know what to say. I know you’re hurting. Deeply.

    Time doesn’t heal all wounds. But, it does change the way you think and feel about different situations. All that I can suggest is to just allow yourself to be where you are, for however long you need. Give yourself permission to feel and to cry.

    I think that you are going to be able to use your painful experience to make an impact on many, many lives. You might not be able to jump into it right now (or maybe you will be), but I really think that once you do…it’s going to be powerful. I love that you want to be there for other mothers, in ways that no one was there for you. I kinda believe that you’re going to find much healing in doing that.

    If you ever want to talk, vent, whatever…I’m here – we can email if you want. Wish I could give you a big squeeze and sit down and have a cup of tea. I’m thinking of you.

    • ws birthmom says:

      Thank you ladies. I have begun reaching out, and have been able to help 10 women make a truly ‘informed’ decision. 2 will be placing, 1 is on the fence and another is still mulling over all the facts. Laurel, you are so right – this is exactly how I am healing…..by helping others. Something I have always loved to do. (I’m a Virgo – and love to make everyone else happy.)
      #11 has also presented just the other night……
      The ‘professionals’, yes, well….they are in hiding from me. I’ve requested lunch with the SW from the agency and after 4 weeks of requesting once/week I got her message loud and clear. Done deal, don’t need my anymore. Got it.
      I am thanked nearly daily from those that I have been able to help (even being asked to be a Godmother to one of the wee ones =) ) and it really is helping me heal, and also fueling my fire and I have taken a deep plunge into the injustices of the industry, that it is my new hobby. From adoptees having access to their OBCs, to connecting adoptees to search angels I have meet and befriended, to informing moms considering placing, to educating women looking to adopt. I am ‘in it’. This is one industry that needs a lot of ‘process improvement’…..something I do on a ‘professional’ basis……thankfully, I use my morals, ethics and do not do it for any pay, so there’s no conflict of interest. Just as it ‘should’ be. Don’t you think?

      • new day to cry then try says:

        Dear wsbirthmom, please do tell your questioners that while they are pregnant and considering is nearly the only time they are considered heroes or excel morally. The wording of relinquishment (I call it surrender) is that said mother cannot provide safe home for child, which ever ever after will be referred to by many as an endangerment to the child. Many paying parents continue this thought process onto the child that they rescued this child from an abusive or immoral situation. Also the argument that this is “a gift” to childless couples and that every baby deserves two parents is a fallacy also. Many adoptions occur to a single person and many are not childless, but collectors.

      • wsbirthmom says:

        Thank you for the additional information! As I continually am seeing on a daily basis, there is so much that is not provided to those considering placing and it is nearly impossible to Lear- of all of it while you are experiencing the pregnancy. I will be sure to add this to the list! Thank you.

  5. Amanda says:

    Your heart is in the right place!!! We can not change our past, as much as we would like to sometimes, but we can help someone change their future. Sometimes I don’t understand why hurtful and bad things happen sometimes, but I do know that good can still come from bad things! Many blessings to you and the wonderful things you are trying to do. I pray at least that the family that did adopt your precious baby boy allows you to have lots of contact and a connection with him. Wish I could turn the clock back and been there to help make a different outcome : (

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