I have started multiple posts, but cannot seem to finish any one. I don’t just want to post my every day happenings, just to post, besides it’s not that interesting.
I use this blog to work through my feelings regarding this path I’ve forced on others. I haven’t been making much progress lately. I’ve really truly settled into ‘numbness’.
It’s almost as if I’ve checked out of this ‘relationship’. There just seems nothing that can ‘console’ me, to keep me coming back for more ‘separateness’. Subjecting myself, my daughter to this ‘separateness’ seems so pointless.
That is what they wanted for his birthday – to quote ‘…..keep it separate from [his sister’s]….’ Even though she chose the day he would be born. Their words and actions over time, also now have me believing that this is why they cancelled Christmas – to keep it separate. To have his first Christmas all to themselves. OK, I got the message.
This makes me check out of the situation, and leave me feeling (and saying in my head), go ahead, be separate because that is what was explained to me that open adoption was – keeping things separate.
He’s yours, you got him, and let’s just keep them ‘separate’.
Besides, I’m getting more than what was in the ‘open adoption’ agreement. Blurry cell phone pictures and videos, and an occasional Skype conversation, and some pictures every few months. Funny, nothing was ever mentioned about keeping promises to the children involved. Not one word.
Yet, they have mentioned concerns that I would promise something to W, and felt that pulling back would be the answer. I was very clear that if I ever tell the kids something, I will make it happen. Come hell or high water, I will never disappoint them. Especially after promising and building something up for 3 months. Especially when he is 8 and old enough to understand and be crushed, like K was at Christmas. Like she still is waiting for that ‘surprise’ visit, that 3 months later is no where on the horizon.
But I definitely know now, that this, is not, what was discussed, and even it what we discussed would have been written down……..there’s nothing to make anyone do anything. For the children, or for anyone else.
The ‘deal’, is done, and my heart is numb.