Still here……numb.

I have started multiple posts, but cannot seem to finish any one.  I don’t just want to post my every day happenings, just to post, besides it’s not that interesting.  

I use this blog to work through my feelings regarding this path I’ve forced on others.  I haven’t been making much progress lately.  I’ve really truly settled into ‘numbness’.

It’s almost as if I’ve checked out of this ‘relationship’.  There just seems nothing that can ‘console’ me, to keep me coming back for more ‘separateness’.  Subjecting myself, my daughter to this ‘separateness’ seems so pointless.  

That is what they wanted for his birthday – to quote ‘…..keep it separate from [his sister’s]….’  Even though she chose the day he would be born.  Their words and actions over time, also now have me believing that this is why they cancelled Christmas – to keep it separate.  To have his first Christmas all to themselves.  OK, I got the message.

This makes me check out of the situation, and leave me feeling (and saying in my head), go ahead, be separate because that is what was explained to me that open adoption was – keeping things separate.

He’s yours, you got him, and let’s just keep them ‘separate’.

Besides, I’m getting more than what was in the ‘open adoption’ agreement.  Blurry cell phone pictures and  videos, and an occasional Skype conversation, and some pictures every few months.  Funny, nothing was ever mentioned about keeping promises to the children involved.  Not one word.  

Yet, they have mentioned concerns that I would promise something to W, and felt that pulling back would be the answer.  I was very clear that if I ever tell the kids something, I will make it happen.  Come hell or high water, I will never disappoint them.  Especially after promising and building something up for 3 months.  Especially when he is 8 and old enough to understand and be crushed, like K was at Christmas.  Like she still is waiting for that ‘surprise’ visit, that 3 months later is no where on the horizon.

But I definitely know now, that this, is not, what was discussed, and even it what we discussed would have been written down……..there’s nothing to make anyone do anything.  For the children, or for anyone else. 

The ‘deal’, is done, and my heart is numb.

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About Wsbirthmom

I was a single mom to my elementary aged daughter and in 2011 I became a mother of unnecessary infant adoption loss. No matter how trapped, hopeless, frustrated and overwhelmed I felt before placing my son, all those feelings combined are no comparison to the grief and the loss of him we have felt post-placement. And no one, and nothing could have prepared me for it. I have been forever changed. The old me is gone, dead really, and so is the old life - something no one ever mentioned would happen. This will affect many generations to come, this and so many more adoption truths were never mentioned to me. So many things that could have been disclosed to me that would have allowed me to make a 'fully informed' decision, were kept from me by the agency - Gladney. The things I've learned about the billion dollar adoption industry since losing my son, have opened my eyes to the ever so clever persuasive coercive tactics used by many adoption agencies and attorneys, which I have experienced first hand and didn't even know it was happening, until it was too late. If you need a password for a protected post, please email me at wsbirthmom at g mail dot com. I've been personally cyber stalked and attacked by women who have adopted who I have never met, in an attempt to ruin my children's chance of knowing each other, and they've succeeded along with many other factors. Let's just say, it's been quite a 'ride' - but the ride has taken a hard left turn. I will keep telling my and other natural mothers & sharing adult adoptee's truths of their adoption experiences until the laws are changed and made 'fair' to natural families or until the day I take my last breath here on this earth. I started reaching out to pregnant mothers in crisis who were looking for adoption information. I began helping mothers see that their situations are so temporary and adoption, is a permanent solution - and usually always unnecessary. I've started a grass roots organization called Saving Our Sisters. It is comprised of adopted persons, mothers of adoption loss and even adoptive parents who believe that family preservation should always be the first focus, and that separation by adoption should always be a last last resort. We are PRO #familypreservation, PRO mother and child. If you would like to find us on Facebook, here is the address: https://www.facebook.com/adoptionSOS/
This entry was posted in Adoption Regret, letting go, Relationship, Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to Still here……numb.

  1. (w)rite here says:

    ((hugs)) I don’t know what else to say but you are in my thoughts.

  2. Laurel says:

    Your story really breaks my heart. I guess what breaks my heart the most…is that you set up some basic plans about what your open adoption will look like…and then it’s not followed through on. So often, it seems to me, once the adoptive parents have the child and some months have passed…it’s like ‘all bets are off’. Once the baby is theirs…they have the control and can (and will) do what they want. I just don’t freaking get it.

    As an adoptee…it’s my opinion that if adoption is necessary, the best outcome would be an open adoption with contact with the first mother and any other family they have (your daughter). It’s in your son’s and their son’s best interest! Don’t they get that the son you share can be loved by all of you…without taking away from any of you?

  3. Crystal says:

    I don’t even know what to tell you, except I love you! I love you for everything that you helped me with. I just hope this gets better and not worse!!

  4. Melynda says:

    Oh sweet mama, I am so sorry you and your daughter are hurting. I know withdrawing is self-protection and I hope you understand you are not to be blamed or shamed for it. We all do what we can to learn to live well with this trauma that never quite goes away. That numbness allows you to function, and for right now, if that is what you need to get you through the day, honor it in healthy ways. You won’t always feel this way – you will regain strength and be able to open yourself up again, to be vulnerable for your children’s sake. We are mothers, it is what we do.

    Sending lots of love your way – M.

  5. Adoptionliesadoptionvictims says:

    I and my family have experienced this numbness and I want you to know you are not alone. My family and I had to deal with being erased. When suddenly our email address that we had for years sounded too much like their name and they didn’t like that. When their camera died, when they found it too hard. When we asked please, please, please send us a picture and the reply was “I don’t know what you want from us but whatever”. Then nothing at all.

    I have witnessed the hurt my children felt at being denied the contact with their sister that was promised. Their anger, their numbness as their hopes and dreams were crushed once again. I think we just needed to be numb for awhile as the pain was too much to bear. I am keeping you in my thoughts.

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