The ‘evil’ in adoption…..

If you have been following for a while, you know that I have had to take a break from this. Which, I understands happen to us, especially so early into our ‘new life’, or when something devastating happens.

Well, if you remember, I shared something that was devastating, and my feelings about it back in December in this post.  I didn’t share the next devastating thing that happened, so, here it goes.  In January, I received a statement in the mail from the private insurance policy that I had in place at the time I was pregnant and at the time of W’s birth.  I had a $10,000 deductible on that policy and I had NO maternity insurance.  During my entire pregnancy claims of any services relating to my pregnancy were denied by the ins. co., and when I called them to verify if they would cover the birth of my son, they verbally told me ‘no’.  (This played a major role for me to consider the ‘adoption option’.)  The statement I received, showed a claim for my c-section was filed in the amount of $19,136.22 and the balance on the claim was, ‘$0.00’ with ‘no patient responsibility‘.

They paid the ‘allowed amount’ that the ins. co. had set up on contract with the hospital of $12,000+’.

It hit me like a punch in the gut, that feeling that I’ve described before as my heart being ripped out of my chest at the same time it’s being crushed, and I can’t breathe.

They paid it.  Another reason (a very major one) for even considering adoption……..

Never…….even……….existed.

The reasons for placing my son have vanished into thin air.  His father was still with me.  People who didn’t know I was in crisis because I hadn’t reached out and asked for help, were offering and have said over and over – ‘why didn’t you ask me?!’  and now, the huge hospital bill that I didn’t think I would ever be able to recover from and did everything in my power to negotiate a cash settlement with…..just gone, poof.  ‘How can this be happening I asked the person on the other line at the ins. co?!’  ‘You do realize that my son is not with me because your company told me that they would not pay for his delivery and I couldn’t come up with the cash?!’  She said, ‘Well, the code on the claim says it was a ‘problem pregnancy’.’  I replied, ‘There was NO problem!  This was a SCHEDULED c-section.  Baby was healthy, as was I, just gestational diabetes – managed with diet! How is this a ‘problem pregnancy?!’  She said, ‘You’ll have to ask the Dr.’  I said, ‘You shouldn’t have paid this claim, don’t you care that this is a claim that you shouldn’t have paid?’  Getting nowhere, I hung up the phone.

Immediately dialing my Dr.’s office, and nonchalantly asked for my records for this pregnancy to be faxed to me immediately.  It was $25 for 25 pages.  Hardly a ‘complicated’ pregnancy file in my opinion.  There is nothing in the file that says the word ‘complication’…….but there is one that says ‘adoption’.

I hung up and dialed the hospital, and calmly asked for my file to be copied, and that I would be there to pick it up as soon as it would be ready.  $30 for 31 pages.  Again, no sight at all of the word complication in the file anywhere to be seen.  But, there was another word…..’duress’ describing my emotional state.

I then called the third party agency the adoption agency hired to handle the bills.  I got the person on the phone who I had spoken with who handled the reimbursement of the $2,000 in prenatal visits that I had paid.  I asked, ‘So, why didn’t anyone tell me that the ins. co. would be paying this bill?!’  Again saying, ‘You realize that this is one of the reasons that my son is not with me today – right?!’  Silence, and then a stuttered, ‘I’m sorry.’  I don’t know what happened with that, it’s between the Dr. and the ins. company.’  I said, ‘There’s nothing that you spoke with the Dr. about to work to get this bill paid?’  His reply, ‘No.’

Needless to say, I am still in shock.  Trying to understand how this happened to me.  My initial reaction was a posting on a social networking site amongst ‘friends’ that I thought I had made while networking for support through this excruciating journey.

Let me tell you about these so-called ‘friends’, and what they did next.

These people are people who are truly the ‘pure evil’ in adoption. The people who obtained my personal info, copied my blog posts, and then contacted the agency I went through, who in turn contacted W’s APs.  Yes, you read that right.

All because they formed an assumption (in their extremely insecure minds) that I had begun to take action to begin to get W back.   They realized that they weren’t able to (fully) accomplish what they had set out to do (or did they, now that time has passed and contact has slowed?).  These people are still ‘lurking’ around watching.  They want to remain ‘hidden’ and protect their facade that they are ‘supporting’ open adoptions.  Their ‘put on a good smile so no one really knows how I really feel’ facade.  Well, that wouldn’t be the ‘truth’ now – check this out.

One of the ‘key players’ runs an open adoption support page (term used loosely here).

Ironic because KJW’s main objective that she set out to accomplish was to close our open relationship by ‘warning’ W’s APs that I was ‘coming to get him’, so they could ‘stay away from me’. They attacked me, created lies based on assumptions and then broadcasting that I had an attorney and was filing fraud (all not true). Sharing many details including personal information, broadcasting what they thought was my financial information, looking up my professional profile on a professional networking site used heavily in my industry – (I have a screen shot of her profile showing up on ‘who viewed my profile’ – she didn’t cover her tracks very well). Broadcasting other details such as where I lived, and the agency I used. Then creating momentum and backing by stirring the ‘insecurity pot’ of other HAPs/PAPs and APs in a ‘closed’ group who then fed into the ‘witch hunt’, who would chime in stating they had a great attorney who was also an AP – and that they had to ‘stick together and warn ‘W’s APs’.

Check out these comments from the people who jumped in on the ‘witch hunt’ (I apologize for all the typos, but this is how they typed them, taken from their actual screen shots they made in the group):

Kathy F-A: ‘…..she wishes she had the baby and picket fence. If she would just be nice, be involved, she would still be in her son’s life. Her boyfriend seems to love the child and isn’t spouting horrible things. She can get married, have her picket fence, have another child and still be involved with her son and his AP. But instead, she is cutting herself off more. She could have the best of both worlds if she would stop and realize it. Sigh….’

That’s right, be a nice ‘b mommy’ and be quiet! Shocking to read this from an AP – right?
Apparently, I’m cutting myself off by blogging (anonymously, up until this point or so I thought) and processing my own thoughts and feelings – I’m cutting myself off.   Move on so I can have the best of both worlds – living with this ambiguous grief – and watching K and H2 long for a real relationship – and just popping out another baby, why don’t I understand that this would make it all better – of course! How silly of me.  It’s just THAT easy!  I’m not sure what is wrong with me.

Next came this: HS: ‘Good grief, if she can get the adoption overturned that is bad news for all of us. I believe the adoption is finalized.’ December 30, 2011 at 12:19pm

And a reply: K N L: ‘I hope not.. HS… She needs a Serious intervention.. Someone needs to slap her back into reality… it is what it is.. I hope she finds peace before her anger destroys her or her daughter….December 30, 2011 at 3:42pm

K N L: Well her ship will get blow out of the water sooner or later.. 🙂 December 30, 2011 at 4:22pm

KHW: K N L, message me what you know please I am working with another woman on this as well.’ December 29, 2011 at 11:16pm via mobile

Are you as shocked by this lack of empathy as I am?  Their sky was falling, and they were going to run over anyone, even the children involved, to keep the ‘sunshine and rainbows’ displaying exactly where they needed them to be in their sky.

Now, has anyone actually checked on overturning adoptions and the ‘success rate’?  The ‘frantic’ tizzy that these APs, PAPs/HAPs went into is really nothing short of unbelievable. They were telling their husbands who were walking in the door from work, they were calling their attorney friends to see if they knew if there was any way this horrible thing could actually happen!? If I would be able to do this then ‘their birthmom’ would also do the same! (Think of the ‘Lions and Tigers and Bears – Oh boy!’ tone of voice here so you can really catch my sarcasm.)

Well, KJW did call the agency and afterwards updated the group with this:

KJW: ‘I’m glad to have been able to work with K N L and get the info we did, but it still doesn’t feel good. I didn’t sleep last night because reporting this is likely going to ruin an open adoption which you all know I fully support. I feel terrible for her daughter and her birth son. But at the same time I feel responsible as an AP to at least try to warn them. It is an unfortunate situation all around..’ and ‘The chances of her getting this overturned are slim to none. Unfortunately she does seem to have more $ than the AP’s so she could make a real stink. Adoption is not a temporary thing for being in a bad situation. She is an adut and could have done more research etc. Everyone is a little nutty when they are pregnant yes, but Psychosis? Good luck with that one. K N L, since you are our keeper of info (LOL) have you by chance copied her blogs in case she tries to delete them as well?’ 

So, even after admitting what she was doing to someone she does not know, and that the chances of getting the adoption overturned being quote ‘slim to none’, she still felt the need to go ahead and attempt to ruin our relationship.  Because ‘APs have to stick together.’

Lastly, I’ll share what one member near the end of all the hysteria of the ‘witch hunt’ posts, ‘KJW, does your son’s birthmom know about all this?’

I wondered, ‘Yeah, does she?’

Pure evil, at is finest.

I’m ready for the attacks……I’m sure they will start immediately, but, this is the truth, and exactly what these people did.

Click here to check out all 50 states cyberstalking and cyberharassment laws, yes what they did was illegal.

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About Wsbirthmom

I was a single mom to my elementary aged daughter and in 2011 I became a mother of unnecessary infant adoption loss. No matter how trapped, hopeless, frustrated and overwhelmed I felt before placing my son, all those feelings combined are no comparison to the grief and the loss of him we have felt post-placement. And no one, and nothing could have prepared me for it. I have been forever changed. The old me is gone, dead really, and so is the old life - something no one ever mentioned would happen. This will affect many generations to come, this and so many more adoption truths were never mentioned to me. So many things that could have been disclosed to me that would have allowed me to make a 'fully informed' decision, were kept from me by the agency - Gladney. The things I've learned about the billion dollar adoption industry since losing my son, have opened my eyes to the ever so clever persuasive coercive tactics used by many adoption agencies and attorneys, which I have experienced first hand and didn't even know it was happening, until it was too late. If you need a password for a protected post, please email me at wsbirthmom at g mail dot com. I've been personally cyber stalked and attacked by women who have adopted who I have never met, in an attempt to ruin my children's chance of knowing each other, and they've succeeded along with many other factors. Let's just say, it's been quite a 'ride' - but the ride has taken a hard left turn. I will keep telling my and other natural mothers & sharing adult adoptee's truths of their adoption experiences until the laws are changed and made 'fair' to natural families or until the day I take my last breath here on this earth. I started reaching out to pregnant mothers in crisis who were looking for adoption information. I began helping mothers see that their situations are so temporary and adoption, is a permanent solution - and usually always unnecessary. I've started a grass roots organization called Saving Our Sisters. It is comprised of adopted persons, mothers of adoption loss and even adoptive parents who believe that family preservation should always be the first focus, and that separation by adoption should always be a last last resort. We are PRO #familypreservation, PRO mother and child. If you would like to find us on Facebook, here is the address: https://www.facebook.com/adoptionSOS/
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34 Responses to The ‘evil’ in adoption…..

  1. Michigan Mom says:

    The entrapment begins with the agency’s subscribing to Human Arc, the entity that arranged for the payment of your hospital bills. I encourage readers of your account to visit the link you provided and see what I mean. Notice this is a service for adoption “AGENCIES AND ATTORNEYS.” Its clients are NOT mothers like you who have no way to pay their medical bills and see no way to get coverage through their insurance companies.

    This is wrong on so many levels, but it’s perfectly understandable from Human Arc’s business model. It exists for profit, and there is no profit in helping vulnerable mothers find ways of paying their medical bills. But adoption agencies and attorneys – now there’s a lucrative income source. When you go to the linked Human Arc page on ‘Adoption Services,’ scroll down to “What the Benefits Are.” Notice that the beneficiaries of their services are the agency and the adoptive parents. The mother benefits ONLY if she submits to the adoption.

    Notice that Human Arc only gets paid when it is successful in its mission of obtaining Medicaid and/or insurance coverage for the “birth mother.” If the mother insists on claiming her own child, she will not have access to this business enterprise to get help in paying her bills.

    This, folks, is extortion! Or perhaps aggravated kidnapping. In either case, it needs to STOP!!!

  2. Melynda says:

    Stunning, disgusting, and absolutely illuminating at the same time but par for the course for this new breed of APs. I am just so grateful to know some APs aren’t hell-bent on keeping first mothers on the plantation, who aren’t so duplicitous and vile in their treatment of the very people who made them parents in the first place.

    What is that saying about karma?

  3. Heather says:

    This is awful. I am so sorry you had to deal with such meanness on top of everything else.

    I don’t understand how people can think for a second that it is acceptable to meddle in others’ relationships like that. That is happened based on nothing more than their own insecurities makes it all the worse.

    • Heather says:

      PS Maybe this isn’t necessary, but I feel the need to say that my initials are HS and I’ve created what I suppose could be called an open adoption support page, but I’m most emphatically not the HS quoted in the post.

      • wsbirthmom says:

        Heather – no you are not! I have all the names and profiles of these individuals, some of them changed their profiles (removing or adding a name), and some are still the same. As of the time of this post the ‘HS’ referred to here, still is using a profile with those initials.

  4. myst1998 says:

    I am so, so sorry you are experiencing this! These people are the lowest of the low and personify what it is to be cruel and evil.

    Are you trying to get your child back? Given your medical records state ‘duress’ in them, I am wondering if that would help as it is illegal to coerce an agreement from anyone – it makes it fraudulent. I have no idea of the laws of the land in the USA however I am wondering if there isn’t someone you can talk to about this.

    What a nightmare, my heart aches for you and your child – this is all so very wrong. (((HUGS)))

    • Dana says:

      Nobody cares when we’re coerced out of our children. It’s all “choice, choice, choice,” like they’re talking about abortion or something, only the one being aborted is the mother, which they like just fine.

      This country hates women. Damned if I know why. The ones that kiss butt and tow the line, they’ll tolerate and throw ’em doggie biscuits for being bitches. (Yes, I went there. I really don’t care, either.) The rest of us? They’d turn us into Soylent Green if they could. Anything to shut the “shrews” up. God forbid we should ever expect to be treated like human beings.

  5. Shila's Mommy says:

    So sorry these people are piling on your pain and misery. I surrendered my own daughter back in 1982, prior to the advent of the “open adoption” (what a joke!) concept, and to be very honest with you, I think “open” adoption would have been even more painful for me, if that is possible.

    I will go to my coffin wondering how it all got turned around; how adoption became about finding babies for childless couples rather than loving homes for true orphans. It also boggles my mind that people so cavalierly capitalize on the dire, painful, heart-wrenching circumstances of others to their own gain & benefit. I am also firmly of the belief that there cannot possibly be a “good” adoption because of the Primal Wound, RAD, and all the statistics which show how disproportionate the population of adopted people is in mental institutions, the penal system, and so on. Funny how the agencies omit those scientific, statistical facts.

    My daughter and I have been in one of the more “successful” reunions I know of for almost nine years now, but there is still something missing, and I don’t just mean the 21 years we were kept apart. She is a part of my life; it’s becoming difficult to recall a time when she was NOT a part of our family, but I have come to terms with the fact that I will never have her all to myself and that it has to, by its very nature, be a different type of relationship than I have with my kept & raised boys.

    Every day of my life, I wish I had never heard the word “adoption” and that I would have tuned out the “noise” and followed my gut. Losing my baby girl helped ruin my life…you don’t ever really get over that. However, had I not found her, things would be even worse.

    Thanks for letting me express these thoughts on your blog.

  6. myst1998 says:

    Reading these comments is so very sad, knowing how many more mothers there are out there. We need to join together and let the world know this is not okay. Australia recently handed down their findings into forced adoption practises of the adoption “heyday”. But we mothers who lost post 1970 need to let the world know this is still happening. It didn’t end, they just got more cunning in their methods to coerce our children from our arms.

    Sending all moms here much love and empathy – I have been in this horrid journey for 14 years. I wish none of us were here. Thanks Wsbirthmom for highlighting this, sorry you too are in this web.

  7. Ann B says:

    I am speak-less to know WOMEN, who probably never had a child, do not know the intimate feeling of the bond that exists between a birthmom and HER child, who could be so INHUMAN to attack another woman. Everything written here is the most saddest experience any human being could go through. Adoption has always been a for-profit industry even before 1970, and the Catholic Church was one of the biggest to profit, which lead the way to the current INDUSTRY of stealing and selling babies. I am so glad that there is more media coverage on this lately, and your story would enlighten many, many people on how this pyramid really works. As for the treatment you have received from these uneducated private eye wanna bes, there is a word that comes to mind for these piranhas. Does the infertile’s inability to conceive (get pregnant)/empty uterus, leave a woman so hateful, psychotic and heartless to woman who can conceive and have the normal natural birth of a child? Really?? Is that what child birth is coming to? A child’s birth is a miracle and a blessing to the BIRTHMOM, not the adopted person who gets the privilege of raising this child cause they have more money or means than the BIRTHMOM. Open adoption was never a concept when I was entrapped into giving my child while underage according to the laws many years ago, and if it works for people that is wonderful. But to have this kind of treatment, I wonder what kind of an adopted mom these people are to the kids they paid for and obtained through adoption? Do they treat the child like they have treated you? God help those babies!!!! My heart goes out to you and I know just like that hospital bill disappeared, one day your child will come back to you. It will NEVER fill your heart because you are losing so many precious years but it does and will give you a sense of completion that you will miss for a long time until the reunion happens. The hole in your heart never totally goes away. NEVER!! I am speaking from experience and have been in an awesome reunion with my adult child. God will bless you in many ways.

  8. junesmom says:

    I’m sorry but i don’t seem to understand why this was so hurtful to you. If you have a solid relationship with your son’s AP then there shouldnt be any negative results from these woman getting overly excited about a social media post.

    • wsbirthmom says:

      🙂 I’m not taking the ‘bait’. Ummmmm…..it’s called cyberstalking/cyberharassment, and it’s against the law. I’ve put the links to the laws at the bottom of the post. If you don’t see anything wrong with this, my time is too valuable, and I’ve already spent too much time responding to you.

    • Jenny says:

      Not sure what you read…. *junesmom*….however there was nothing remotely negative within this personal blog, sounds like you are the one getting excited pffft…

    • Ann B says:

      I always put myself in the other person’s shoes so to think that what is being done here would not make me nervous if I was an AP after hearing what these mouth pieces have been saying, any normal person would be nervous, insecure and suspecious even in a 100% solid relationship between the ap and the first mom. That is just human nature???!!

    • Dana says:

      Maybe if you’re a sociopath and it doesn’t bother you that someone would want to ruin your relationship with your child’s APs *regardless of the nature of your relationship with said APs*. That the *intent* is there should be bothersome to anyone with a conscience.

    • Thenatmommy1 says:

      Junesmom it’s because of, and I use this word only because you are a female, “women” like you! That make us natural mothers, not first mothers simply because our babies didn’t throw us away just y’all, lives a loving hell no matter how good or sweet or open you are to them while your pregnant when the other AP’s butt their opinions no matter how small an issue may be they do great damage. If you are that insecure adoption is not for u! Your bulling will come to an end that is a promise. However I will like because of you a lot of us have been motivied to go to law school and become the lawyers I hope u never run into one of us one day needing our help enjoy your power u hold over us for now. We never forget u do forgive because we still use the heart god gave us. Mocking and pretending like we are the ones that are crazy was wrong and a very bad move on your and your high society’s behalf. Like I said we thank y’all for the motivation we will be the doctors and lawyers and judges, mayors, etc. So play your games we get it. But it’s time for y’all to watch it you never know you may find your match one day. From me the nat mommy. So how does it feel to know we are looking out for each other forming a great movement that will be heard the right way without lying and playing mental games honestly we are above that drama y’all do so well.

  9. gooddaytotry says:

    hey ws are you doing alright? if you only knew how much your son loves you and his relations. they don’t want you to be hurt ever. an update? my sons and daughter are so great and you have made such a difference in their lives because you are willing to say the unsayable. thank you for your courage dear person. from the top of my heart!

  10. site says:

    A insightful post right there mate . Cheers for the post !

  11. I really hope that you’ve been able to take some sort of action against the women who did this to you. What they did was beyond despicable. As a perspective AP (older child from foster care), it sickens me to know what the mothers (birth) of infant adoptions are put through. One of the many reasons we chose not to adopt an infant was because of how we saw the mothers were being treated by several agencies. Agencies blatantly advertise to perspective APs that the more money you give to the agency, the faster you’ll get a baby. It made us want to vomit.

    I sincerely hope that W’s APs had enough sense to step back and ask their agency where they got their information from, and whether or not the agency discussed the allegations with you. That would be the first thing I would do if in their shoes. Should your adoption become closed because of their allegations, I highly suggest you meet with an attorney and discuss a civil suit. What they’ve done is not only unwarranted, but unethical, immoral, and frankly, inhumane.

  12. Your story breaks my heart. I am going through something much similar where a lady has ruined my adoption in a blink of an eye. I just hope it bites her back hard in the toosh and I hope she is never able to adopt! Big Hugs! I can’t even begin to say how angry i am angry isnt the right word. Maybe outraged is better. Stay strong.

  13. K. says:

    I think you should find out if you can sue the insurance company for this. Talk to a lawyer.

  14. Michele KS says:

    I’m an adult adoptee. No one ever mentions the losses that the baby faces. The loss of family connections, even in open adoption. How come it’s OK for a mother to give up her newborn, but it’s never, ever, OK for an adopter to return the baby to her own mother? I don’t understand people.

    • cah says:

      Michele, I am a birthmom, and I think about the loss I left my baby to grapple with all the time. When I relinquished, I didn’t know much of anything. I didn’t know that babies experience loss and trauma when separated by their mothers. I didn’t know an infant could know the difference as long as they were being cared for. Now I know differently, and I now know, too, that I made a terrible mistake because of what I know now that I didn’t know then. And it breaks my heart that there is so much conflict in growing up an adopted child that comes from so many sources – both seen and unseen. The very thing that should be the most natural thing in the world, to have a relationship with the people one is born to, becomes so convoluted and riddled with such trepidation and conflict and is evidence of all that is wrong with adoption in its current form.

      It is more than okay for an one to return to one’s natural family. What’s not okay is that you and so many others are led to believe that it’s not okay. Other people’s insecurities are not your responsibility to salve or pacify – even if the current laws are built on and feed on those insecurities. You are your own person with rights and responsibilities just like everybody else. If returning to your birth family is what you wish, then you are 100% within your rights to do so, and it is 100% okay. What’s not okay is that you were ever led to believe it wasn’t okay.

  15. Janes Pain says:

    I am an adoptee to and when I read this post I was sad because of more corruption in the adoption industry what I saw was you being upset at somthing us adoptees put up with our whole lives. eg: if we want to search for our mothers or in my case I wasn’t allowed to talk about my adoption so feelings manifested themselves as acting out behaviour. I was told it was me that had the problem. I was the one that was messed up “oh she was adopted, she will get over it, adoptees often have these problems. In fact any problems I had were swept under the carpet or my fault….. I now know I do suffer from ptsd not just from seperation at birth but also the many other layers I added myself because I went out into life angry and confused with no answers. I suffer from stockholm syndrom because food deprivation and alienation were used as punishments in my ahome. I really hope you can at least maintain some contact with your child so they don’t blame themselves for everything that happened like I did because everyone told me it was my own fault I felt the way I did. I couldn’t accept that I was grateful and lucky…. you can read more of my story at http://adoptionhealers.com I wish you luck in your future and ty for sharing your story.

  16. Kim says:

    The longer adoption continues the more sophisticated the duress and the nepotism. This is an organsation that may be able to assist you (yes, in canada but I am unaware of such in the USA). If you PM ill send you some other links. You were done, and I urge you to take legal action to try to enforce some contact with your child, outside of the “feelings” of the adopters.

    http://www.originscanada.org/

  17. Delilah says:

    yet another lie. you never said a word about a hospital bill all those months you researched adoption and hand picked your sons parents. rewriting history is so easy for the borderline. It must be awfull crowded in your head with all those people living there rent free. you’ll never see W again but get some help for your own family’s sake, XXX. (Poster used my initials in an attempt to cyber bully/harass me. I will be filing charges with law enforcement and they can track this down.)

  18. Real Mom says:

    LMAO..Good luck with that “Delilah” we all know who you *REALLY* are and that your screen name is a fake one as well as the account associate with it. By the way one of my best friends husbands works for the FBI and she works for Homeland Security. Would you like me to contact them for you? 😉

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