As easy as putting on perfume…..

It’s been 2 months now since we’ve seen W for our 2nd visit.  I have some great pictures from that visit thanks to my friend (an adoptee who cannot get her OBC because the state she was born in has 3 years still sealed and hers of course is one of them).  She was all set up to take pictures for us last Christmas before they cancelled the visit 4 days before they were supposed to be here.  I had a few ideas all ready for K & W, I had pajamas for them to wear in the pictures – kind of a Christmas morning type shoot.  Anyway….we all know that didn’t happen.  But when I asked her to come with just a couple days notice after they had already been here for  few days (didn’t want to have to have anyone deal with another let down), she did not hesitate.

I have one of my favorite pictures from this latest visit as my wallpaper on my laptop.  So people at work are seeing it occasionally.  I don’t work with many in the location that I am in, most of them are scattered around the world.  So, I only have a few that I have to field  questions from.  Of course, they don’t know the ‘real’ story, (don’t worry insecure APs – I’m not acting as if I am parenting him – I know how you hate it when natural mothers do that), but they know he does not live with us, and I do get visibly emotional when speaking of him.  This makes them uncomfortable of course, and then they quickly end our interaction and I’m able to pull it back together again. 

It seems I’m always trying to pull myself together.  It’s a constant – and something that I never had to ever do before in my life.  Try to just keep myself together.  I had not a care in the world – other than being a good mom to K.  She was my focus, well that, and making sure I could provide for the two of us.  There is no one else to do that, which was my choice over being controlled by her biological father.  My point is, life was pretty ‘together’. 

Now, I feel like it could fall apart at any given moment.  Standing in the shower is the worst.  Probably because it was the place I would stand and cry every day while pregnant as I showered rubbing my belly.   Standing in the mirror doing my hair.  Holding K while she has big alligator tears streaming down her face because she misses W.  In the car when I hear a song that reminds me of him, or of times when this ache didn’t exist.  Watching TV and seeing a baby commercial.  At work where the word ‘adoption’ is used at least every &*^$%^ hour, of course in a completely different context, but nonetheless, I have to say it constantly.  When I see a pregnant woman, or a family with a child about W’s age.  Or just hearing a random comment from a complete stranger sitting on a plane say ‘You can’t change your roots’.  While trying to hold it together thinking, no, you can’t change them.  But adoption will ensure you are disconnected from them. 

Anyway, I’m going to tie in the title of this post now.

I don’t wear a lot of perfume.  In fact, about 12 years ago or so, I started wearing just one.  I got so many compliments on it, and when I told everyone the name they consistently commented ‘It fits you!’   It really did fit who I was, my personality, my demeanor, and after all how I truly felt inside and projected about life.  I had it ‘going on’ as they say, my daughter, my career, my home, my friends and I had goals that I was accomplishing.  This perfume never gave me a headache, never was too strong and it had a great name – ‘Happy’.

I ran out of it about a year ago, and I haven’t bought myself anything in the past year or so.  Not one piece of clothing, not a pair of shoes, and I think I’m going on about 5 months without even a trim on my hair.  I’m numb and none of that ‘stuff’ really matters to me – as I’m just trying to keep myself together on the daily.  I think I do a pretty good job of it – at least people who don’t live with me don’t know.  K sees that I truly struggle with keeping myself together.  Keeping the house together.  Keeping it together at my job – which is easier than any of the other places – my mind is kept busy and distracted there.

Anyway, a while ago was my birthday, and H2 got me my favorite perfume. Yep, Happy. 

But now, I’m not the same.  Putting on the perfume isn’t the same.  I’m not ‘transformed’ by the scent as I used to be.

I’ve always noticed that certain perfumes were better on  certain people.  Red Door for example, doesn’t smell good on everyone.  Perfume has to be a good combination with a person’s pH.  I’m wondering if this is all in my head, or if my pH has changed, just as my mind, heart and soul have been changed by losing W. 

Oh how I wish I could just pick up that bottle of Happy and it would magically make me and life how they used to be…….Happy.

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About Wsbirthmom

I was a single mom to my elementary aged daughter and in 2011 I became a mother of unnecessary infant adoption loss. No matter how trapped, hopeless, frustrated and overwhelmed I felt before placing my son, all those feelings combined are no comparison to the grief and the loss of him we have felt post-placement. And no one, and nothing could have prepared me for it. I have been forever changed. The old me is gone, dead really, and so is the old life - something no one ever mentioned would happen. This will affect many generations to come, this and so many more adoption truths were never mentioned to me. So many things that could have been disclosed to me that would have allowed me to make a 'fully informed' decision, were kept from me by the agency - Gladney. The things I've learned about the billion dollar adoption industry since losing my son, have opened my eyes to the ever so clever persuasive coercive tactics used by many adoption agencies and attorneys, which I have experienced first hand and didn't even know it was happening, until it was too late. If you need a password for a protected post, please email me at wsbirthmom at g mail dot com. I've been personally cyber stalked and attacked by women who have adopted who I have never met, in an attempt to ruin my children's chance of knowing each other, and they've succeeded along with many other factors. Let's just say, it's been quite a 'ride' - but the ride has taken a hard left turn. I will keep telling my and other natural mothers & sharing adult adoptee's truths of their adoption experiences until the laws are changed and made 'fair' to natural families or until the day I take my last breath here on this earth. I started reaching out to pregnant mothers in crisis who were looking for adoption information. I began helping mothers see that their situations are so temporary and adoption, is a permanent solution - and usually always unnecessary. I've started a grass roots organization called Saving Our Sisters. It is comprised of adopted persons, mothers of adoption loss and even adoptive parents who believe that family preservation should always be the first focus, and that separation by adoption should always be a last last resort. We are PRO #familypreservation, PRO mother and child. If you would like to find us on Facebook, here is the address: https://www.facebook.com/adoptionSOS/
This entry was posted in Adoption, Adoption Education, Adoption Regret, adoption truth, Adoption Wounds, Grief. Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to As easy as putting on perfume…..

  1. Vikki says:

    Awww….. I am so sorry. 😦 I know how bad you hurt. I wish I could just give you a real hug. But know that you are in my heart.

    Vikki

  2. Jess says:

    I know exactly what you mean. Before adoption entered my life I was a totally different person. I am now bitter and angry, I used to be happy and have lots of friends. I used to never go out in public without my hair being done and make-up on. Now I rarely wear makeup and even go out in pajamas sometimes, I am like “screw it, we need milk”. BTW, “Happy” is one of my two favorites as well.

  3. Emily says:

    Im placing my baby for adoption, because I have no support from family. Even though I struggle with the decision I dont know what else to do. I am sorry for your pain.

    • Tell your family the statistics for adopted children, they can be found under child abuse in the government’s web site or origins.org. And there are programs for single moms of financial concern. Please reconsider, nearly all first moms will tell you the pain gets worse as time grows

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