This journey……has ended.

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About Wsbirthmom

I was a single mom to my elementary aged daughter and in 2011 I became a mother of unnecessary infant adoption loss. No matter how trapped, hopeless, frustrated and overwhelmed I felt before placing my son, all those feelings combined are no comparison to the grief and the loss of him we have felt post-placement. And no one, and nothing could have prepared me for it. I have been forever changed. The old me is gone, dead really, and so is the old life - something no one ever mentioned would happen. This will affect many generations to come, this and so many more adoption truths were never mentioned to me. So many things that could have been disclosed to me that would have allowed me to make a 'fully informed' decision, were kept from me by the agency - Gladney. The things I've learned about the billion dollar adoption industry since losing my son, have opened my eyes to the ever so clever persuasive coercive tactics used by many adoption agencies and attorneys, which I have experienced first hand and didn't even know it was happening, until it was too late. If you need a password for a protected post, please email me at wsbirthmom at g mail dot com. I've been personally cyber stalked and attacked by women who have adopted who I have never met, in an attempt to ruin my children's chance of knowing each other, and they've succeeded along with many other factors. Let's just say, it's been quite a 'ride' - but the ride has taken a hard left turn. I will keep telling my and other natural mothers & sharing adult adoptee's truths of their adoption experiences until the laws are changed and made 'fair' to natural families or until the day I take my last breath here on this earth. I started reaching out to pregnant mothers in crisis who were looking for adoption information. I began helping mothers see that their situations are so temporary and adoption, is a permanent solution - and usually always unnecessary. I've started a grass roots organization called Saving Our Sisters. It is comprised of adopted persons, mothers of adoption loss and even adoptive parents who believe that family preservation should always be the first focus, and that separation by adoption should always be a last last resort. We are PRO #familypreservation, PRO mother and child. If you would like to find us on Facebook, here is the address: https://www.facebook.com/adoptionSOS/
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20 Responses to This journey……has ended.

  1. at least until he is of age…*sigh* I am heartbreakingly sad for you. ❤

  2. Adoptionlies says:

    Godspeed on your new journey. I do not know if your post means that you are choosing to move on and through the pain of adoption or just ending your blog. But whatever it is I wish you all the best.

  3. Terr Wond says:

    children are resilient. they will not have hurt if their parents are good. these APs are being INCREDIBLY selfish this is the kind of character that will be the basis for your son’s life. It’s estimated that 80percent of open adoptions close and it is such a tactic and so often I hear the ap’s talk opressively of the real mom to calm their own guilt. i can’t believe they have the gall.

  4. Janine says:

    no way! That plain sucks. I am not sure I understand what you mean by the truth of losing him will hurt him. I cant believe they have don this. Shame on them. Sending you big hugs

    • wsbirthmom says:

      As I learned tactics used by the industry, I spoke and wrote (and will continue to write) about them.
      For example, the agency never showed me any profiles of people looking to adopt within my state, and I had not even realized it until after I was over a year in, and kept away from him. All the profiles were states away. That the ‘open adoption’ that the agency ‘sold’ me, was a play on words, and it was truly only ‘semi-open’. Which we all know is truly ‘semi-closed’, and I had no idea. That my hospital bill was paid by my insurance policy that had no maternity coverage was one of the main reasons for me even considering adoption, actually never even existed. I guess they don’t want him to realize that this was a true ‘business deal’, he a ‘commodity/product’ of the deal and the ‘service provider’ truly worked for his APs, and not for his best interest, nor his natural family’s best interest. These ‘truths’ will hurt him. They would hurt any adoptee, if they were privy to know of them. Closing this will delay him knowing these facts. They cannot handle these truths, and therefore don’t want him to know them either.

      • You have all of the documentation to show him one day when he is ready, so as to back up your side of how things all happened the way they did. Of course him bieng raised with them, all sunshine & roses & how he was “chosen” blah blah blah will be his version of things, and he will one day “NEED” to see the truth. Your truth. His truth. Facts are just that. FACTS. One cannot deny facts. They are hard to swallow sometimes, but one simply cannot deny them when they are in black & white. What you are doing is a good thing. I keep you & him in my prayers…xoxoxo

  5. Terr Wond says:

    by doing this they are proving they are not in his best interests. I am crying for you today. they are trying to force him to pretend he is theirs and that his natural talents and genetics belong to them, his loyalties belong to them and his nuturing of them is all theirs. natural parents want a larger world for their children, closing him off is not natural. I wish you could fight them, i have seen way too much bad that adoptive kids suffer.

  6. Kellie says:

    I am so sorry for this. What you said in one of the comments made me think this is maybe one of the many reasons why my granddaughters birth parents (my brother and sister-in-law) won’t let us visit and know our granddaughter. Why they only allow her mother, my daughter, limited and tightly controlled visits. They don’t want us telling her the truth about her adoption. Even though she’s going to know it one day when they don’t have so much control over her. By then though i fear they may have her so thoroughly brain washed she may refuse to accept it. They have told us they will tell her “their” truth and then our daughter can tell her her “truth”. Instead of trying to work it out with any of us now, they choose to shut us out. Again, I’m so very sorry.

    • wsbirthmom says:

      Do you mean your grand daughters adopters? Not her birth parents are keeping you from telling your truth – right? Kelli’s, this too is my biggest fear. They are acting as if I’m going to start telling him at age 5 that his APs got him be wise the agency never showed me any profiles in my state, or that my insurance company paid my c-section bill in full after that was a main reason for placing him in the first place. But one day, he will know, his sister will know, she is 9 and I haven’t even explained this to her yet.
      See the reality of it all, is not that they think my son will be hurt by my comments, but the REALITY is that had I known about the suffering my son was going to endure by losing me, had I known that his body would become sick from the separation from me, had I known the insurance company would end up paying my bill in full, had I been schooled on AP insecurities and their sense if entitlement and their inability to have empathy because they cannot bear children which gives you that empathy through hormonal changes, had I known what the adoption industry was all about, I would have NEVER let W leave my side. NEVER. The only way they obtained my son from me, was through deceit, lies and withheld information. I am sorry that there are so many going through this. It is so unnecessary, cold, heartless, and ungrateful on so many levels. They know I never wanted to lose my son, and one day, he will know it too. They can only put that off for so long. I pray he has my desire to right the wrongs when he sees them, and his Dad’s compassion gene to be willing to open his mind and listen to both sides of the story. If he doesn’t, karma is a B, and they will have to live with that on their hands. Not that it matters, they are already living with keeping him away from us. Just like they did for all his firsts. They couldn’t stand to share them with us. The people who gave him life, and who gave him to them. Adoption is nothing but cruel to those who had no choice in the matter. I am so so so sorry W.

      • SW says:

        WS,
        I am a foster-adoptive mother of 5 and a MSW student. I have also been critical of how adoption agencies define “choice.” Choice implies an individual has two equally valid options. If that does not exist–is there truly choice? Should adoption agencies who have a vested financial interest in the choice of a mother to adopt her baby out be the ones who are doing the “adoption counseling?” My answer is “no.” I do not see how an agency can be objective while they have a vested financial interest in an adoption decision. I have no doubt the truth was not given to you. As for a lack of empathy, I have children I birthed and children we adopted through foster care (and we have an open arrangement because it’s healthy for the kiddos). Birth did not give me empathy…I had it before I gave birth. The real issue is how we view the child. Is the child our property or is the child an individual who needs to be placed as a first priority? If the child had been placed as a first priority and not as a commodity or a possession…the APs would not have done what they did. I am sorry for your loss. I wish there was more I could do.

  7. Christy Orabuena says:

    I am so sorry for the way that you have been treated. I stumbled across your blog and started to read it. I am an AP who is in open adoptions with both of my girls. I do not wear rose colored glasses… I understand that in adoption their is pain and loss for every one involved. However open adoption can work.
    In my state… CA we sign a legal documonut stating what our open adoption will look like. If we as the AP do not hold up our end of the agreement the Birth parents can take us to court and the judge can mediate the situation.
    We went with an agency that has separate support for the birth moms for all of the reasons that you talked about.
    Just also know that we have very open adoptions… Our birth moms know that they can call text, visit… When ever they want. I hope that W’s AP will come around to understand that it’s in the best interest for W to have the contact with you. It’s never perfect or easy. Being an AP and reading all of these blogs makes me feel guilty for even adopting… But what I tell myself is that every adoption is different and I can do my best to make sure that my girls know ALL of their families… I have learned that as an AP… It’s not about us or our feelings… It’s about my girls and how they feel…
    Good luck.. I pray that W’s AP have a change of heart… You are an important piece of his life…

    • wsbirthmom says:

      Thank you Christy.
      The fact of the matter is this, they haven’t treated me ‘badly’ per say, as long as I am quiet and not speak of what cannot be ‘undone’. As long as I was not speaking too ‘negatively’ of adoption, and my experience – all was fine. But see the thing is – I keep peeling back this onion, and realizing so many more things that I had no idea about, the thin skins that you don’t see until you really look at it. And, I have been with them, and will be with everyone completely honest about ‘my adoption experience’. I will not sugar coat it, and I will NOT sweep it under the rug. They think I’m going to hurt him. The very thought of that is just nothing less than absurd. My 9 year old is just fine – although she doesn’t know that the adoption has been closed down so that she will not see her brother again. I’m sure that will all change once I have to tell her, once again, that her world is crumbling. Of course this is ‘my fault’ for not being the good ‘b’ mommy and just smiling like I am happy that I am discovering all the wrongs that were done to my family. W will know one day, at the appropriate age what all happened, as will my daughter. Before and after he was born. I will never do anything to intentionally hurt them or either of my children (remember adoption is the ‘loving’ option), but not they’re ‘afraid I will hurt him’. Because I’m a terrible mother, who reached in the wrong direction, and gave him away with the best of intentions and now regrets it, and now I’m out to hurt anyone that I come across – even my own flesh and blood. Makes complete and total sense.

  8. etropic says:

    The fact of the matter is this, they haven’t treated me ‘badly’ per say, as long as I am quiet and not speak of what cannot be ‘undone’. As long as I was not speaking too ‘negatively’ of adoption, and my experience – all was fine. <—- THAT is all about CONTROL; or an ATTEMPT at controlling what they can not control. I have experienced that all too well with my blog and A mom coming over.

    I don't know how to say what I am about to say so I'm going to say it gingerly. I don't want to sound as if I know what you are going through because I don't. I do however know what it is like to have to jump through the hoops like a performing dog, trying to get them to see you as unthreatening. I tried doing this for years…the entire time I was in contact with them actually which was almost 14 years.(give or take a few years) I am sad for you as you won't have what you had before. But the other part of me, the part that went through hell trying to be a good birthmom, wants to tell you to be glad that you have seen the REAL them NOW rather than years later after even more damage has been done to your daughter. Does that make sense? What I am trying to say is that you at least got to see who these people REALLY were before they could inflict YEARS of damage. You can, in some shape, contain this a bit more being that your son is so young still.

    My son, M(aka Mini Me) actually got attached to my oldest whom I placed(K). M is lost and doesn't understand how K(my son I placed) & him can no longer be in touch with each other. Granted, they weren't that close but M was just getting use to the idea of having an older brother and getting together for playdates. I contained mine by packing everything away and not mentioning K's name around M. He is VERY sensitive and gets his feelings hurt easily. He's like his momma, you hurt him, he cries, gets upset, then lashes out and wants to hurt whoever it is that hurt him. Funny thing he has a memory for the little things such as which football team is K's favorite. He remembers the visits and occasionally asks why we don't get together anymore. I never know what to say as I don't want to lie to him but I don't want to be bitter about it anymore either by telling him the truth. I don't want my anger to ruin the chance of them possibly having a relationship in the future..even if it is without me around. So I say nothing usually..or I have to lie. That's what angers me the most. Not being able to be honest with my son whom I'm raising all because of adoption. For the longest time, M would ask questions about K all of the time or about adoption. I use to get angry because I didn't have the answers and parents are suppose to have all the answers for their children aren't they? Now enough time has passed that the questions have subsided quite a bit. But I know they are just under the surface waiting to come out once again. There's always something, somewhere that triggers a spark. It's usually a Disney movie or tv show. All of THIS that I just wrote, is what I am glad your daughter won't have to go through..at least not to the extent my son has. THAT is what I was trying to say.

  9. etropic says:

    P.S. My journey is over as far as I am concerned as well. I blogged about it after getting numerous emails from people asking what happened & why it happened so abruptly. (The details are in the P.S.)

    http://etropic.blogspot.com/2012/09/back-in-saddle-again.html

    You are not alone and I’m here if you need some support!

  10. freebairn says:

    I am sick at hearing this – even if you did see this coming. It still sickens me that their humanity is that cold-blooded that they could procure your child under pretense and deception – and have your child and still go through with closing. It sickens me on so many levels. It’s unconscionable on so many levels I have no words – only this sick, sick, sick feeling inside, for you and for everyone who’s been led to this form of emotional slaughter. It sickens me. It angers me – no, f-that – enrages me. It crushes me. Adoption is the gift that keeps on giving – heartbreak, after heartbreak, after heartbreak, indignation, after indignation, after indignation. And my heart breaks with yours. I am so, so sorry (with tears), Ws…so much more than I can say.

  11. Christy says:

    Then what is the answer? If Adoption is only heartbreak? What should we do get rid of Adoption?
    It’s not an easy answer… Because every persons journey is their own. I’m sorry that you had an unfair situation and that things were not explained,… But for some people they want to make this choice… Adoption is hard, even in the best of open relationships… People are human, they have feelings. I empathize with you, but the reality is that we will always need adoption.

    • wsbirthmom says:

      Christy – I NEVER said ‘adoption should be abolished’. You have jumped to that conclusion. I’ll clarify my ‘stance’ on adoption as I have done on my Ws Birthmom Facebook page.
      First focus should be to remove any and all obstacles that the expectant mother feels exist that are causing them to feel as if they are ‘in crisis’, instead of experiencing the joy and happiness that a new baby brings.
      Only after all obstacles that are creating stress are removed or alleviated, will she be able to make a true ‘CHOICE’ whether to parent or place her child, otherwise it is ‘you name it here’ coercion. (i.e. financial, emotional etc.)
      This was never done with me – especially not by the agency. That would have killed their deal – and so would have letting my hormones settle down (which only took less than 40 hours) and take my son home, take a breath and just relax with him. Also, speaking with an adoptee (or 10), or another mother of adoption loss (or 10) would also have helped me truly understand what this meant. The agency nor the therapist ever suggested that. It would have killed the deal. Let me ask you – how many adult adoptees or mothers of adoption loss have you actually ‘listened’ to? If you haven’t, then you really need to – and don’t talk, just listen to what they have to say.

  12. etropic says:

    Christy~ NO Please don’t go off track and make this about abolishing adoption. Please don’t put words in people’s mouths to suit you. That is 100% wrong and unfair. MATURE adults can listen and take criticism. Secure and compassionate adults listen with their hearts not ears, take that same criticism and see if there IS in fact a point to be had and try to implement it. Adoption is not the problem. The way in which adoption is practiced is as often times the same people who WORK in the industry are also part of the problem.

    Please we don’t need the patronizing comments such as “People are human, they have feelings”. WE, of ALL people are VERY well aware of this!! Adopters who cut off contact for whatever unwarranted reason are the ones who NEED TO HEAR AND TAKE TO HEART THE WORDS YOU JUST WROTE. There are other children to consider here in this case, mainly W’s sister. What about HER feelings? Or is she just another part of the “Collateral Damage” of adoption and uncaring adopters hm?

    By the way then, people write or speak “I’m sorry but…” or “I empathize with you, but..” the BUT negates you actually being sorry; its as if it was never really said. It is similar to those who start a sentence with the phrase, “No offense..” & then launch into whatever trivial drivel they’re about to spew.

    Lastly, I disagree with your last statement of “I empathize with you, but the reality is that we will always need adoption.” With the way things are going today in regards to women’s rights and reproductive health I don’t see adoption being viable. Our society is EXTREMELY vain and most people (NOT ALL) turn to adoption only once IVF has failed. Adoption is a second less than choice for many. I believe we will see people having to PROVE their worthiness to have a child (as in the movie Gattaca) I also believe, we will see a one child law mandated here in the US as is the one in effect in China presently. No “we” will not always need adoption, not with the advances we are making in medicine as well as the possibility of uterine transplants becoming another futuristic option. Adoption isn’t practiced merely as a need rather as a want in today’s society.

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