Yet another dream….

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W,

I just awoke from a dream where your dad and I were in a room together and I heard the sound that I had programmed for your APs text notifications on my phone.  I looked at your dad with a look of confusion saying was that your phone or mine? It was his.  He had the same notification setting.   He then came walking over to me with his big grin, all excited and happy and said, “They responded to my text that I was thinking about them, and hoped they had a good day.  They told me to have a good day too.”. He was so excited and happy.  At that moment, 
I woke from that and instantly had a heavy heart, because I knew that this will never happen.  

Me speaking the truths of losing you to the industry, your APs cannot handle no matter how true they are, they cannot think about them, because then their consciences would be ridden with guilt.  (I know mine would.)  

Being in this position is a difficult one.  Be quiet, or lose you all over again, which is what has happened. The power shift I felt in the hospital after signing those damn papers and then watching the ‘fist pump celebration’ of D (your Amom) through the cracked bathroom door that seemed to make me begin bleeding profusely, was once again very very real.

But you see, I cannot stop speaking of the truths. No matter how painful it is.  It is the truth.  I know we cannot get you back and for that I am so so sorry.  Your dad knows just how sorry I am.  Your sister knows that I cry for you daily still.  But being able to help other women and babies and families realize all the truths of adoption will help them to be spared this pain.  The silence would allow the industry to keep thriving on unsuspecting women who need help.  Yes, we would be able to see you, but that cost for that is so great for so many others that need to be told the truths.  It is not that I don’t love you. I would sacrifice anything other than your dad or your sister to have you back.  But that is not ever going to happen.  So, to be able to see you twice/year in person, a dozen times a year on Skype is not a relationship with you.  It is not that I don’t love you, or want these things, it’s just that the price of silence (which means to me acceptance of the things that happened to me), is too much of a price to pay for being allowed minimal contact with you.

To spare others the pain, just by telling  the truths of our story is such a big deal to me, it is helping me heal as I watch others make the decisions to keep their children with them. To not allow another baby to go through the trauma of losing his or her mother.  To know they won’t suffer like we all are.  

I hope one day you understand.
I can not be quiet and accept what happened. I will forever speak the truths until they are no longer able to happen to any other families.

And one day, we will see you and be able to touch you again.

We love and miss you so very very much.

Love, Mom

 

“Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed people can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has.” Margaret Mead.

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About Wsbirthmom

I was a single mom to my elementary aged daughter and in 2011 I became a mother of unnecessary infant adoption loss. No matter how trapped, hopeless, frustrated and overwhelmed I felt before placing my son, all those feelings combined are no comparison to the grief and the loss of him we have felt post-placement. And no one, and nothing could have prepared me for it. I have been forever changed. The old me is gone, dead really, and so is the old life - something no one ever mentioned would happen. This will affect many generations to come, this and so many more adoption truths were never mentioned to me. So many things that could have been disclosed to me that would have allowed me to make a 'fully informed' decision, were kept from me by the agency - Gladney. The things I've learned about the billion dollar adoption industry since losing my son, have opened my eyes to the ever so clever persuasive coercive tactics used by many adoption agencies and attorneys, which I have experienced first hand and didn't even know it was happening, until it was too late. If you need a password for a protected post, please email me at wsbirthmom at g mail dot com. I've been personally cyber stalked and attacked by women who have adopted who I have never met, in an attempt to ruin my children's chance of knowing each other, and they've succeeded along with many other factors. Let's just say, it's been quite a 'ride' - but the ride has taken a hard left turn. I will keep telling my and other natural mothers & sharing adult adoptee's truths of their adoption experiences until the laws are changed and made 'fair' to natural families or until the day I take my last breath here on this earth. I started reaching out to pregnant mothers in crisis who were looking for adoption information. I began helping mothers see that their situations are so temporary and adoption, is a permanent solution - and usually always unnecessary. I've started a grass roots organization called Saving Our Sisters. It is comprised of adopted persons, mothers of adoption loss and even adoptive parents who believe that family preservation should always be the first focus, and that separation by adoption should always be a last last resort. We are PRO #familypreservation, PRO mother and child. If you would like to find us on Facebook, here is the address: https://www.facebook.com/adoptionSOS/
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9 Responses to Yet another dream….

  1. kellie3 says:

    My daughter keeps her thoughts and opinions to herself because she is worried she will be cut off of her once a year visits with her daughter. So, I speak for her in my blog. I hope one day she will be free to speak for herself. I am so very sorry for your loss to adoption.

    • Linda Kats says:

      Hi Kellie, I am a birth grandmother too. However, reform must occur in adoption before more birth grandmothers have to blog and post on behalf of our children who were deceived by the ploys of the adoption industry. Would you be willing to talk further to help support reform in adoption?

  2. Barbara Thavis says:

    Just know that your actions did not close the adoption. W’s legal parents did because they can. These are not the type of people that should be able to adopt. They are weak. I hope they are loving to your son, their son, but even so, they are very misguided. It is only in W’s best interest to know you. To know his family. Because he has two families now. A child being excluded from his natural family because his adoptive parents are uncomfortable is disrespectful to the child.
    You could have been the best bmommie ever and they would still have pulled the plug. Just because they could.

    • Linda Kats says:

      Barbara, your reply hits to the core of many guilt and leveraged feelings of birth mothers. It’s so true. The adoptive parents pull the plug because they can. They don’t want to be reminded they are raising someone else’s child. They want to believe this is THEIR child. It’s heart breaking all the way around. APs are also coached to take ownership rather than to take “guardianship” of children they are raising for others.

  3. Terr Wond says:

    My daughter is an adult and now I am her only mother. yet she was raised by people that are experienced in completely cutting off relationships. I still never say what i feel, and to the best of my talent follow her lead. I am quite fearful of losing her again. I love her dear family and am always sorry i am not perfect. Giving up my daughter, I don’t take responsibility for. I have never met a mom able for fight off an agency after they think they have made the sale. I serious hope the industry changes. you shouldn’t be made to feel so guilty. I never tell people what happened to me. i told a few and they insisted it did not, even though they weren’t even there. and insisted the story they made up about me was true. best to get together with the under abused and talk about how great THEY are.

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