Missing you…..still

It’s been a while now.

A while since we were first separated.

A while since the last time we saw you.

A while since we were cutoff the first time.

A while since we lost your sibling.

A while since I was judged and told that why I lost you wasn’t real.  

A while since we were told that we couldn’t send anything to you anymore.  (Well, we were told that anything we sent had to be sent to the agency.  Since the agency doesn’t forward anything but letters – and if it’s anything like the first time something was sent thru them, it wouldn’t arrive in a reasonable timeframe anyway – so basically, we aren’t able to send anything to you.)

A while since we heard your voice.  

Its been a while since your sister has cried.  I think she just pushes it out if her mind.  Because if she doesn’t she will be down trying to pull herself out of it for a few days, like me.

A while since we’ve seen any pics of you.  

Because we aren’t able to send you anything or hear your little toddler voice or you ours, I’ll write to you here.  Where it will be waiting for you when you decide that you want to read it.  Who knows, maybe you won’t even care, but I hope one day you will, and you’ll read all of these posts of mine.

I just wanted to let you know, as I lay here with my insomnia thinking of you and trying to forget the frustration and regret of ever letting you leave your father and I’s side. 

Im still thinking of you every day.

I’m still missing you. 

I’m still loving you.

I’m still waiting for the day when I get to hold you in my arms and tell you I love you.  Just like our last morning in that hospital room when I held you in my arms and cried for a magic wand to be waved and for me to wake up from the nightmare I was in.  

I’m still loving you, I’m still missing you, I’m still here W.  

Love,

Mom

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About Wsbirthmom

I was a single mom to my elementary aged daughter and in 2011 I became a mother of unnecessary infant adoption loss. No matter how trapped, hopeless, frustrated and overwhelmed I felt before placing my son, all those feelings combined are no comparison to the grief and the loss of him we have felt post-placement. And no one, and nothing could have prepared me for it. I have been forever changed. The old me is gone, dead really, and so is the old life - something no one ever mentioned would happen. This will affect many generations to come, this and so many more adoption truths were never mentioned to me. So many things that could have been disclosed to me that would have allowed me to make a 'fully informed' decision, were kept from me by the agency - Gladney. The things I've learned about the billion dollar adoption industry since losing my son, have opened my eyes to the ever so clever persuasive coercive tactics used by many adoption agencies and attorneys, which I have experienced first hand and didn't even know it was happening, until it was too late. If you need a password for a protected post, please email me at wsbirthmom at g mail dot com. I've been personally cyber stalked and attacked by women who have adopted who I have never met, in an attempt to ruin my children's chance of knowing each other, and they've succeeded along with many other factors. Let's just say, it's been quite a 'ride' - but the ride has taken a hard left turn. I will keep telling my and other natural mothers & sharing adult adoptee's truths of their adoption experiences until the laws are changed and made 'fair' to natural families or until the day I take my last breath here on this earth. I started reaching out to pregnant mothers in crisis who were looking for adoption information. I began helping mothers see that their situations are so temporary and adoption, is a permanent solution - and usually always unnecessary. I've started a grass roots organization called Saving Our Sisters. It is comprised of adopted persons, mothers of adoption loss and even adoptive parents who believe that family preservation should always be the first focus, and that separation by adoption should always be a last last resort. We are PRO #familypreservation, PRO mother and child. If you would like to find us on Facebook, here is the address: https://www.facebook.com/adoptionSOS/
This entry was posted in Adoption, Adoption Regret, Adoption Wounds, Grief. Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Missing you…..still

  1. Ann says:

    One day this nightmare will end and you will get a chance to hold your baby boy. Keep writing so he has something to see that over the time you two were separated He was always on your mind and in your heart and prayers. Hugs my friend, I know your pain but I can tell you there is so much joy when you will reunite!!

  2. Guard your heart. This is a wonderful legacy for your child, but anyone that would go through such extensive lengths to separate the two of you may also try to discredit you to your child. It happens many times.

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