It’s been a while now.
A while since we were first separated.
A while since the last time we saw you.
A while since we were cutoff the first time.
A while since we lost your sibling.
A while since I was judged and told that why I lost you wasn’t real.
A while since we were told that we couldn’t send anything to you anymore. (Well, we were told that anything we sent had to be sent to the agency. Since the agency doesn’t forward anything but letters – and if it’s anything like the first time something was sent thru them, it wouldn’t arrive in a reasonable timeframe anyway – so basically, we aren’t able to send anything to you.)
A while since we heard your voice.
Its been a while since your sister has cried. I think she just pushes it out if her mind. Because if she doesn’t she will be down trying to pull herself out of it for a few days, like me.
A while since we’ve seen any pics of you.
Because we aren’t able to send you anything or hear your little toddler voice or you ours, I’ll write to you here. Where it will be waiting for you when you decide that you want to read it. Who knows, maybe you won’t even care, but I hope one day you will, and you’ll read all of these posts of mine.
I just wanted to let you know, as I lay here with my insomnia thinking of you and trying to forget the frustration and regret of ever letting you leave your father and I’s side.
Im still thinking of you every day.
I’m still missing you.
I’m still loving you.
I’m still waiting for the day when I get to hold you in my arms and tell you I love you. Just like our last morning in that hospital room when I held you in my arms and cried for a magic wand to be waved and for me to wake up from the nightmare I was in.
I’m still loving you, I’m still missing you, I’m still here W.