I was a single mom to my elementary aged daughter and in 2011 I became a mother of unnecessary adoption loss.
No matter how trapped, hopeless, frustrated and overwhelmed I felt before losing my son, all those feelings combined are no comparison to the grief and loss of him I’ve felt post-placement. I feel as if I became a different person while pregnant, my hormones took over, and I don’t know who I was. I was in an open adoption, with people who wanted a ‘semi-open’ adoption, who have since decided to cut off contact and have me only send letters/cards to the adoption agency, due to me speaking my ‘touched by adoption truths’, my activism supporting open records for adopted people and helping mothers keep (and in some cases recover) their families in tact, who like me panic while pregnant.
I am now living with the only regret that I have in my life, losing my son by reaching for the wrong ‘help’.
I appreciate your comments, whether you agree with me or not, these are my truths and my opinions. Please keep in mind that this blog only deals with one part of my life.
Until you have walked in my shoes, please save your judgmental comments and/or personal attacks for your own head.
K is my daughter, W is my son, H2 is W’s natural father, D is adoptive mom and H is adoptive dad.
For more information on the work I do to help pregnant mothers in crisis along with a nationwide network of family preservation focused people please come to the Saving Our Sisters Facebook page here: Saving Our Sisters Facebook page.
You can also see the pictures of the families at this link:Families Saved photos.
wsbirthmom 
Your blog’s have truly warmed my heart. some have made me laugh, most have made me cry. you are alot stronger than you think. you will get through this. You are beginning a long journey with which the road ( s ) will probably be more bumpy than smooth. as long as you stay on path, you will do fine. It wont be at all easy, in fact it will be at times more painful than you think you can handle, but just remember that you are a survivor, and you will survive this. I am so proud to call you my friend, and i believe you came into my life for a reason. i continually pray for you & yours. i will always listen if you need me. *hugs*
Thank you Robin, I appreciate the words of encouragement. I believe you found me for a reason as well. I’m very glad you did, friend. ((HUGS))
I just wanted to let you know that I find your blog inspirational. I wanted to comment on your last post, but I couldn’t find the comment link.
Anyhow, I know adoption is a difficult decision. In being faced with the same situation, I don’t know that I could do it. You mentioned being selfish. That’s me lol. I want to do the best for my baby, but I think about me and how I’m going to feel during the process.
I’ll be reading more today. Thank you.
Let me just put this out there for you…NEVER EVER EVER would I consider a woman who gave life to a child selfish for choosing to raise that child, NEVER, no matter what the situation is/was. I am glad my blog has been able to help you. If I help one person, I am overjoyed, and have a feeling of purpose. Maybe I truly have found my calling.
Giving your baby up for adoption is NOT in his/her’s best interest. YOU are the mother, YOU are who your baby is bonded with and connected to , YOU are who your baby wants to be with, HIS/HER MOTHER, not a couple of strangers who cannot have children of their own.
Losing you will impact on your baby profoundly. You and your baby are one. It will be like a death of himself. It is abandonment and that is what is experienced.
If in doubt, start reading the primal wound, or any of the many documents studying the grief and impact on the infant and the mother.
Adoption was meant to be a last dire decision by mothers with absolutely no other choice, not a lifestyle choice. Adoption was meant to service orphans who WERE abandoned, it was NOT set up create orphans by false means and promises, and was not be a mechanism by which babies were taken off mothers who want to keep them for those who cannot have their own child.
There is no wisdom in the current practices, just a process that has been adjusted and tweaked to maximise the desired outcome – the relinquishment of the child. This is not in the mothers or HER babies interest, but in the interest of the third party stranger potential adopters.
Think about it , these people and their fraternity have had a decade to ponder how to , mothers pregnant have 3-5 months and are in flux.
I don’t know if you know bout this blog: http://tan32.wordpress.com/ but you and her share the same experience. I take my mommy hat of to brave women like you and Tanya. You gave a gift to another mother but you also made the decision to do the best for your child. I applaud you.
I know you’re trying to be nice, but be aware that your language is offensive.
1. A “gift” is an object that you give to someone out of generosity. Children are not objects. While not all adoptees are insulted by being labeled this way, many are, and I don’t blame them.
2. Babies want to be with their mothers, not with strangers. By definition it is not “the best for your child” giving that child away to people he or she does not know. It causes separation trauma and anxiety and, not coincidentally, adoptees have more emotional and psychological problems than parented kids–even those who were adopted as infants, who according to conventional wisdom wouldn’t know any better. They *do* know. They know their mother’s voice. My daughter certainly knew mine; it was the only thing that quieted her when they brought her back to me from the nursery after she was born.
3. No one owes anyone a child. If you give birth to/father a child, that is your family and it is your right to keep them with you unless you are severely neglecting or abusing them. Even then, the one solution we seem to be able to come up with is falsifying the child’s birth history and lying to them about who their real family is and the circumstances of their life. We can do better than this. But most adoptions are not due to abuse or neglect. Most of them involve infants or very small children and there were other options. In any case, adoption does not cure infertility. And from the mother’s and father’s point of view, adoption is a permanent solution to temporary problems such as age, financial status or educational level–rather like committing suicide because your team lost the Super Bowl and you feel a little sad.
We can do better than this as a society, and we must.
I wouldn’t recommend the above blog to anyone! The typical pro-adoption rhetoric. Adoption is not about being brave. It is about being scared and unsupported and for many (perhaps not the woman in the blog above) coerced by the adoption system to rip themselves away from their children. Adoption is not natural, is not unselfish and is not about giving “gifts”.And it is most certainly NOT about doing your best for your child.
Please go check out the link it will be great to get you involved
http://mommystoes.wordpress.com/2011/11/10/bloggers-secret-santa/
Your blog is so inspirational! Thank you!
After talking with you online I have gotten to chat with my mom… And I am keeping my baby! I am so excited! Thank you with all my heart, you saved me from a long road and life full of grief!
I am so sorry for what you’ve been through. It must be horrible, I can’t imagine living without the baby I am about to deliver,even though it almost happened! My mom is a bit mad I woke her up… But she understands!
Thank you for the time you put in your blog. It saves so many of us girls from heart ache and brokeness… And we are all so thankful for you!
I finally got a chance to read the whole blog. Hugs to you.
I’m a mother that placed feb a couple yrs ago I’m also older but because money and me just starting life on my after my first I looked into the promise of open adoption supposedly determined by how open the birth or natural mom wants it to be what bs. I come from politics I saw the games but thought it was me over thinking things listening to all the trust us we love u’s until the adoption done is what they forgot to add. I let them completely in on my life at the time but not so much on my family or my history my roots yes the placement caused my family to back away but we are family and we are healing and my family is mad as hell for torching and mental games these put these girls in. So be still I know healing don’t exist in our world cause this cant be undone but we will change this my sister they crossed the wrong one yes I was stalked two of my phones somehow went completely out and won’t turn on again but that’s being token care of too. Shine your light bright don’t let anyone turn if off those times are over
I’m an adoptee as is my husband. I was never able to find my family but I did find his. He is so delighted to know where he really comes from and to meet people he belongs with. I truly hope that one day your son will be able to have the same feelings and the chance to express them directly to you. I am outraged seeing how you were manipulated.
You should consider accepting the path that God has put you on – you are not supposed to have your son to raise of your own.
God had nothing to do with giving him to strangers. Adoption is man-made – for profit.
Seriously? You actually believe that statement??
I’m not at all surprised to find you’re as gutless as you are selfish and sanctimonious. You can’t even admit that a lot of people disagree with your views and find your complete disregard for your son’s well-being and continuous egocentric pity-mongering tiresome if not appalling. I do pity you, because your self-worth seems entirely invested in the chance outcome that you’re able to breed–just like lice, rats, tapeworms, and junkyard dogs. Wow, that is one crowning achievement you have there!
You can’t hurt me 🙂
Dayna, I hope your children get you know you for what you are. Your bravery in posting such hatred to a stranger from the safety of your keyboard says it all about you.
I have only begun to know you but I am sure that it was meant to be that I have found you through FB. You are such an inspiration to me!! Thank you!!! Helen
It really is you who inspire me!! This is very tough stuff. Post adoption loss is so painful. My daughters always knew about their brother. They watched my sorrow. You are in my prayers!!