So, I’ve taken a break from writing. I tend to really process things as a write, so these posts take me a while to type out, and I’ve been crazy busy at work with 3 of the projects I’m working on going live at the end of the month….and the other 3 being pushed back is a relief, but I’m fried when I get home.
See, I’m a planner. I plan professionally for my job and I plan things for my life.
And because, I plan things – they (more often than not) happen without a hitch. But it truly seems like when there is any dependency on anyone else, I always end up with a problem. This holds true in both my professional and personal lives.
For example, work, my job is dependent on others, who produce a product, that, in turn I need to produce another product to provide to a client. 3 of the 6 projects that were supposed to be ready for me at the end of the month – are not. The top 3 priority projects had so many issues that I had to go back and explain how the corrections needed to be made in order for me to use it and meet the client’s need. This was in part due to the fact that the spec was not written in a detailed enough manner, and allowed for ‘interpretation’ by another team. (The spec was not written by me – another dependency.) And now, since I can’t actually make the corrections myself, I can only hope that I can go back and clarify it well enough so that the issues will be eliminated, and I can still get something out the door to the client on time. I’m behind the 8 ball so to speak, and I had no control over it.
In my personal life, I planned. We planned. We planned to be together H2 and I. We planned to have a family, we planned to get married and be together. First, in my head, I went down the path and thought through what having another baby would mean. How it would affect my daughter’s life, my life and H2’s life. Where we would live, where W would go to daycare, what the cost would be for everything and just exactly what a ‘day in the life’ would be. And I was OK with it – as long as H2 could do certain things. As a planner, I then communicated to H2 the things that I could/would do, and also what I thought a day in the life would be – and where I would need his help. I needed his help mentally (so I could take a break once in a while – something I don’t get now very often unless my neighbor sees that I’m wigging out), physically (as I just could not be doing the drop-off of my daughter at school, my son at daycare, get the 8 hours in at the job and then also be doing pickup and activities – there’s no way I could do it all), emotionally (my daughter has ADHD, and some issues I am still attempting to get to the bottom of today, and cause me a great deal of stress) and financially (no need to explain this). I knew he did not make a whole lot of money, but I could handle that – I make a decent salary. I didn’t have maternity insurance, so we would need to be married so he could provide that. I just needed a little help. He said he understood, and we moved forward. Then, he told me what his situation really was, AFTER we became pregnant, AFTER we had told my family, AFTER I went and purchased all of the ‘big’ items at a consignment sale and AFTER I had posted the ‘happy’ news on FB. So, back up against the wall, feeling trapped, hopeless and all alone, since I drove my point home about how I thought out and communicated everything to him, I explained repeatedly, how upset I was at him that he didn’t think his situation would play a MAJOR role in how it would affect all of our lives, I was left again to try to salvage everything. So, I started with a plan…to place W. I begged H2 to tell me something, anything, to convince me that we would be all right, that we wouldn’t have to negatively impact my children’s lives or move to a dangerous neighborhood that I could afford and support all 4 of us, so we could be together. He couldn’t, and therefore didn’t. So, my plan to place happened.
And again today, I was supposed to have 30 minute phone call with an HR person of a recruiting firm, as a ‘prep’ for the actual interview for a job at a global company that I was ‘crazy interested’ in. So, my phone rings, and it’s the manager of the department at the company where they were looking to place me! NOT the HR person from the recruiting firm. So, needless to say, I was not completely prepared (as I always like to be)….let’s just say, this isn’t a job where you are doing the same thing every day (please, no offense intended!!!), it is a job for a global company that is extremely complex, that has an incredible business plan and niche in their market and it’s interesting (to me), and a place that could learn an entirely new industry to my knowledge base! I relied on the recruiter to give me the correct information, and low and behold, I was blindsided again. I don’t feel very good about the interview, and communicated my disappointment and shock to the recruiter and she apologized and tried to recover by saying, ‘let me tell you that no one actually comes out of a conversation with him feeling ‘good about it’’, but she knew I was pissed. I think my chance was blown for this awesome opportunity just like the others I’ve outlined above.
These are examples of reasons why I am a completely independent woman. These are just SOME of the examples of how, when relying on others – things always get MESSED UP. I could list out many more. These situations are exactly WHY I usually do not rely on others. I prefer to just handle things myself. Problem is, I can’t really have what I want all by myself…..a partner and family.
I’ve got to be somewhat dependent on a man for that – and I hate dependencies.